[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 16

 

Grenademan, Galahad and Lancelot enter

William

Welcome grail seekers, to the unpronounceable cave.

Grenademan

BILL?

William

No, William, I’m Bill’s twin brother.  Common misconception.

Galahad

What is the unpronounceable cave?

William

Unpronounceable?

Galahad

What?

William

The cave.

Galahad

What about the cave?

William

It’s unpronounceable.  Sharp one, your friend I see.

Lancelot

That’s my son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yes, we all know.

Gredademan

WE SEEK THE HOLY GRAIL.

William

Then please select any grail you choose.

(Stagelights show several coffee mugs, tumblers, slurpy cups, medieval style cups. Merlin steps in, no one seems to notice.)

Merlin

One for every cycle of the loop.  You will never get it.

Grenademan 

AM I ALLOWED TO USE SCIENCE?

William

I...don’t think it is against the rules.

Grenademan

(pulls out a metal detector and begins running it up around the cups)

THE GRAIL ORIGINALLY CAUGHT THE CUP OF CHRIST, DID IT NOT

Lancelot

That’s correct, Grenademan.

Grenademan

THEN IT IS ONE OF THESE THREE.  (He points to three cups)

Merlin

It is a lucky thing for us all that loop #47 was a Vampire in King Arthur’s Court and #666 was a Serial Killer in King Arthur’s court.

Grenademan

WHAT KIND OF BLOODTYPE WAS JESUS?

Lancelot

What is a blood type?

Grenademan

IT IS WHAT LETS SOMEONE DONATE TO OTHERS OR RECEIVE BLOOD FROM OTHERS.  

Lancelot

What kinds are there?

Grenademan

A, B, AB, AND O.  THERE IS ALSO A POSITIVE AND A NEGATIVE.  THEY GO FROM O NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE UNIVERAL DONOR TO AB NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE RAREST OF ALL.

Galahad

Christ would have the rarest blood of all.

Lancelot

He would be this...O Negative.

Grenademan

WHY DO YOU THINK SO?

Lancelot

Christ gave.  That is what he did.

Grenademan

(waves the metal detector) THIS ONE HAS O NEGATIVE.

Lancelot 

(moves to take the grail, almost takes it and then looks at Grenademan and Galahad and sighs)

After you son.

Galahad

But I don’t think Christ would have common blood.  He was the king of kings.  What kind do kings have?

Lancelot

Just take the bloody grail!

Galahad

But…

Lancelot

Do it.

Galahad takes the cup.  LIght shines around him and there is choral singing.

Merlin

No! NO!

William

You have chosen….correctly.

Grenademan

BUT NOT WISELY

William

I would not call any of you….wise.

Galahad

This is too easy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

Where is the fire breathing dragon? Where is the is the angel with a fiery sword? That’s not how this is supposed to work.

William

Do you need the grail?

Lancelot

Desperately.  Arthur is cursed and thus so too is the land.

William

Then take it.

Galahad

No.  (puts the grail back)  This is not worthy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

This task is not worthy of me.

William

You are telling God that his task is not worthy of you?

Galahad 

I refuse to believe this is God’s task.

Lancelot (Looking at Grenademan)

Don’t look at me, I’m a sinner.

Grenademan

I DO SEEM TO RECALL THAT REDEMPTION IS SOMETHING THAT IS THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE FOR THIS PARTICULAR DEIFIC OCCASION.

Lancelot

I’m not worthy.  You take it.

Grenademan

I WILL IF YOU WONT, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD.

Lancelot trembling takes the cup.  The same angelic choir and lights resume.

William

You have chosen... the same thing.

Grenademan

BUT I THINK MORE APPROPRIATELY.

William

Agreed.

Lancelot kneels and then clasps the grail, gratefully.

Merlin

Fuck. (beat) Fuckfuckfuck.