[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 11

 Scene 11

Morgana

Good evening people, may I have your attention? 

(Beat)

Good.  Great changes are happening.

(beat)

Do you care about them?  Do you want change?

(beat)

I am supposed to be championing the status quo, do you know the status quo?

(beat)

Its an argument of blood and bone, fate and free will isnt it? Round and round like ants in an ant farm.  Order? Chaos? What does it matter if you get looped again and again?

(beat)

Do you imagine a savior will fall from the sky that isn't already on the board? Arthur is too lost in his own shame.  Lancelot is stained.  Gallahad is dumb as a bag of hammers.  Merlin is a pompous windbag.  I’m supposed to champion this cycle, and yes I speak openly about it.  You'll never remember anyway, so why not do so? And yes, I have seen you do it before.  It's not like the hidden plans for Morded’s attack are going to fall out of the sky and be delivered by two mechanical men to a farm boy who teams up with a smuggler and a sky wizard (who isn't a pompous windbag like Merlin) to save the non existent rebellion and make the world or the galaxy a better place?  No idea what I’m talking about?  Of course not, you’re medieval peasants.  But your kids are gonna love it.

(Beat)

Well.  The real medieval peasants kids loved it.  You guys are just fictional echoes aren’t you?  I guess that makes me a fictional echo but I’m more real because I know where I came from.  You’re just extras in the background, and not even featured ones at that.

(Grenademan and Lancelot enter)

Lancelot

It’s the witch!

Grenademan

WHICH WITCH?

Lancelot

Does that nonsense never end with you? Its like you are obliged to do it.  Is some fairy hidden in the bushes paying you money every time you spout gibberish?

Morgana

Lancelot.  Grenademan.

Lancelot

We want nothing to do with you witch.  Begin or we will strike.

Grenademan

I DO NOT BELONG TO A LABOUR UNION.

Morgana

You are a bag of particularly sharp doorknobs aren’t you?

Lancelot

She’s evil!  

Morgana

I’m not going anywhere.  Do you think you can hurt me?

Grenademan

TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL!  (throws grenade)

Morgana

(casts a spell to move it aside)

I don’t have time for this.

(Lights Dim)

Morgana Leaves

(Lights Go Up)

Lancelot

I hate it when she does that.

Grenademan

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Sir Galahad (Offstage)

CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Lancelot

Oh fuck.

Grenademan

WHY IS THAT KNIGHT ATTEMPTING TO CHARGE THE CAR?

Lancelot

Congrations Grenademan, you’ve found your grail finder.  This is Sir Galahad, the pure.

Sir Galahad

(Comes on stage and takes out his sword and begins to hack at the car.  Steam should come out and if possible harmless but physical pieces should come out into the audience to simulate the sheer wantonly ignorant destruction and rage as he beats a dead horseess carriage) Have at thee! Die foul dragon! Beast from hell! I shall slay thee! Smite thee in the name of our Lord God the chaste and pure Jesus of Nazath die foul thing of satan I shall smite at thee and thou shalt die

Grenademan

IT WAS NEVER ALIVE.

Sir Galahad

Neverborn dragon! Technological abomination! I smite thee! (Continues to whack at the car)

Grenademan

I CAN FIX IT.

Sir Galahad

None shall save this wicked beast.

Sir Lancelot

Galahad, Grenademan.  Grenademan, my son (Lancelot air quotes) Galahad.

Sir Galahad

(stops whacking at the car and points a finger at Lancelot)

Noooooooo! You’re not my father.

Sir Lancelot

Join me, and together we can find the holy grail.

Sir Galahad

Never! I’ll never join your side.

Sir Lancelot 

(To Grenademan) 

Finds the holy grail you say?

Grenademan

THAT’S THE SCRIPT.

Sir Lancelot

I think we’ll need to flip that.