[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 9

 Scene 9

Herald One and Herald Two duel in the public square

Herald One

The Sword in the Stone

Drew forth made a King

Tales ere of old then

The bards then did sing

Herald Two

And then civil war happened

Bippity boppity boo

Whoo hoo and a dingle berry too

Mystical Arthur and his fipity wizard

He thinks he is wise

Cause he spent time as a Lizard

What the fuck man?

No one with guts took him seriously

So he beat the ever living shit out of them

With his magical sword

Til they pretended he was Uther’s son

Herald One

Unite the realm he did

Under God one and all

A round table he made

True knights follow the call

Herald Two

A gaggle of trash

Randos with nothing better

To spend their time on.

Herald One

Their glory and quests legend

Their numbers swell each day

The Knights of Camelot unquealed

Enlightened by surefire Ephereveence Ray

Herald Two

I can’t take a peck

At the foam and fleck

Of tin cans in a 

Suit of Sardines but

I think the downer

Is the out of towner

Named Mordred so

I heard.  The boy is tight

In a joust or a fight

Didnt Arthur sleep with his Mom?

Morgana boink him

Along comes Mordred

High thee father 

I’ve come to claim my crown

Then froth did the king

At the bastard thing

That oozed into Camelot’s tile

It stains the land

And isnt it grand

That the pureness has turned into bile?

Herald One

A bastard cant undo purity

Behold our glorious queen Guenevere

Soon an heir will grace

That we can then revere.

Herald Two

Oh thats just swell

I like that one one

Iambic pentameter your ass

Seriously pal you gave me that one on a free platter

I knick knack paddy whack your ass

Since everyone

Whose anyone 

Knows that Lancelot has boinked the Queen

Isnt that the problem

If you get what I mean?

The scene

That scene

Such as it is

Made every knight scurry like an ant

Trying to find the grail

To cure a dying king

Who fought Lancelot

And Lost

Trial by Combat

Might as well be Wombat

I’m sure the Desert God

Will answer their prayers any day now

Herald One 

Their prayers are indeed heard

The most high of Order

Will restore the balance anon

And sully not the Queen!

Herald Two

LOL, you broke rhyme brother

Herald One

(beat)

Curse you.

Both leave.

lllegitimate Farce

 Check out Emmit Other's poem!

https://poetizer.com/poem/3279634

 

After the last great war

We determined to never have another one

A place where nations could talk

Instead of shoot

And for decades it worked

OK

The Security Council was garbage

But sometimes let keepers work

When the big boys didnt have a dog in that fight

Or stopping diseases

With the WHO

Until Winnie the Pooh took over China

And suddenly truth is an embarrassment

The CCP let covid fester

For their pretty pretty meeting

And millions have died

And now the Garbage WHO

Which doesnt and didnt want to offend China

Reelects the same garbage leader

Who now skips the greek letter Xi

To name the latest variant

To avoid offending the glorious leader Pooh

Has demonstrated its time for the UN to go

And be replaced by a world democratic forum

The UN needs to go away

Metaphorically burn it to the ground

Emmit's Corner - Both Sider Freak

8 Poems by Emmit Other including Both Sider Freak, Modern Prophesy, Gut Punch, Crack Suicide Squad, Games Should be Fun, Defending ZZz, The Presidency is Not a Tennis Court, Return to the New Bohemia, And Nothing of Value Was Lost

Check out this episode!

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1 Scene 8

 Scene 8

Morgana and Merlin are on stage.

Morgana

Well?

Merlin

This is incredibly bad.

Morgana

What?

Merlin

Grenademan has a powerful chaos artifact.

Morgana

And?

Merlin

How can you not consider this a problem?

Morgana

How can you possibly care about what those two assholes care about anything? They use us as playthings and force us to remember it.  I’ve had to consult with Guenevere the Oxford Scholar for 400 cycles in a row now.  That’s centuries subjectively speaking.

Merlin

Can you put that away?

Morgana

Put what away? 

Merlin

Your ego, its suffocating the room, this is serious.

Morgana

Look, just because you have a man crush on Order doesn’t mean that this is my problem.  I think that this is just because you’re worried about losing our bet.

Merlin

What? No! I’m just looking out for both of us.  He has to be sent away.

Morgana

That’s your solution to anything Chaos portals in, portal them away.  Order’s side.  Chaos’s side.  You want to keep Camelot clean and simple.

Merlin

Anything and everything all of the time.

Morgana

What?

Merlin

People have no idea how close Camelot is to all corners of Western Civilization.  Everything is connected.  This game between Chaos and Order is part of the reason the legend is so prominent.  It is a tragedy, like Romeo and Juliet.  The world needs it.  Its important.  I have a duty to keep it together.

Morgana

Nothing you said is wrong.  But you forget who you are talking to.  I know you Merlin.  This isnt about some higher duty.  This is you living in the past like some washed  up high school jock reliving their high school football days.  You’re terrified of moving on.  

Merlin

It did all the things we designed it to do.  People don’t understand what Camelot was supposed to do.  And its still doing it.  It represents the ideals of order and good and hope.

Morgana

Order you say?

Merlin

I mean….(beat) You can’t have Order without Chaos.

Morgana

So hope and believing in something greater than yourself?

Merlin

Precisely.

Morgana

Like Grenademan?

Merlin

No not like that idiot.  He’s a literal hand grenade loose in the court and will break everything.  He is a literal agent of chaos.

Morgana

And you are supposed to be championing chaos.

Merlin

I-(beat)

Morgana

We didnt have to switch up.  You were the one who got bored.  You were the one who pitched the idea of switching to them.

(Beat as Merlin doesnt say anything)

You just wanted Order to admit that he liked you as his champion.  You wanted him to acknowledge you.  And he didn’t. Because he’s Order.

Merlin

Abstralatoria! (Lights and if possible pyrotechnics pursue) 

Who are YOU to psycho analyze ME?  

Morgana

I knew magic when you were just an infant. 

Trajaliyia! (more lights and pyrotechnics)

You don’t intimidate ME.

Merlin

Know your place!

Morgana

My place is anywhere I want it to be.  

Merlin

You tread on dangerous ground.

Morgana

Do I?  Do I old man? Well, you say Grenademan is dangerous? That he is a problem? Let’s see just how much of a problem he can be.

(Lights go out, Lights go up, Morgana is gone.)

Merlin

I hate it when she does that.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1 Scene 7

 Scene 7

Merlin, Grenademan and Pelinor are all in Pelinor’s workshop.

Merlin (Gestures)

If I did this right, you dolts can’t see or hear me.  Can you?

Pelinor

But why not just use a horse?

Grenademan (Hammering)

THIS WILL BE FASTER THAN HORSES.  IT WILL ALLOW ME TO CATCH UP TO SIR GAWAIN TO HELP WITH THE GRAIL IN A THIRD OF THE TIME.  PLUS I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RIDE.

Pelinor

But...what powers it?

Grenademan

BY EXTRACTING THE CESIUM CORE OF ONE OF MY X GRENADES PLUS COMBINING IT WITH YOUR ALCHEMICAL EXTRACTION OF PHOENIX ESSENCE I BELIEVE I CAN MAKE IT GO IN PERPETUITY.  

Pelinor

So ‘chemistry’ and alchemy? Fascinating

Merlin

Right, you can’t.  Good.  What a waste of time you are Grenademan (beat) What...is this?

Grenademan

I WILL ALSO ADD A PAIR OF FUZZY DICE.

Pelinor

What do those do? 

Grenademan

MAKE IT LOOK COOL.

Merlin

You have magic?  How is this?  WHAT is this?  (Gestures)

Grenademan

THERE! DONE! I HAVE BUT TO ADD THE FUEL...

Pelinor

It smells foul  Are you sure it hath not the Touch of Evil?

Grenademan

I AM A CHAMPION OF GOOD.  I DO NOT USE EVIL CARS OR EVIL ANYTHING.

Merlin

What is….that...the Helm of Mambrino?  But, that’s a Chaos artifact used by The Lord of La Mancha in his confrontation against the Man of Mirrors.  Chaos randomly teleported a chaos artifact as the match changer?  This….this is terrible.  Order will call him out for cheating.  And I am supposed to be helping this fool?  Oh, Order will be furious.  And he may take it out on me.

Pelinor

Ye Gods and Fires of Hell, look at it go!

Grenademan

TALLYHO!

Merlin

Oh this is bad.  This is incredibly bad.  That helmet in the hands of someone as insane as this loon….I must find Morgana at once.

Emmit's Corner - Tulipmania

8 Poems including Tulipmania, Petty Karma, Arsonist by Voyeurism, Climate Rape, A Little Every Day, Debate with a Spagetti Strainer, and the West Cannot Save Us

Check out this episode!

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 6

 Scene 6

Morganna and Guenevere sit in a room.

Guenevere consults several charts, astrological symbols and a deck of Tarot cards.

Guenevere

Tell me, seeress, can I change destiny?

Morganna

So far, it seems rather fixed.  Technically, my job is to keep it that way.

Guenevere

I don’t understand.

Morganna

No, you rarely do.  The summer country is an appropriate name for your demesne, my child.

Guenevere

Was that an insult?

Morganna

I would never deign to insult the powerful queen of Camelot.

Guenevere

Well, good.  See that you don’t.

Morganna

Insults never need to be proferred when one is the insult personified.

Guenevere

What does that mean?

Morganna

It means my queen that I think destiny is a complicated matter, and it really depends on what it is you’re asking about.  Some things can be changed, but at great cost.  Some things cannot be changed.  And some things should not be changed.

Guenevere

Oh.  (Beat) Well how do you know the difference?

Morganna

I think that might be a better question for your priest.

Guenevere

I’m asking you.

Morganna

Well (she considers) I do know a demon that might….

Guenevere

Priest.  Got it, definitely will ask Father Tindelos.

Morganna

Maybe if you tell ME what the problem is…

Guenevere

No, I don’t want to talk about it.  

Morganna

Is it about Men?

Guenevere

Definitely not.  And even if it was, I wouldn’t have that conversation with you.

Morganna

So it is about men.  A man.

Guenevere

No!

Morganna

You’re sure?

Guenevere

Yes!

Morgana

So it’s not men.  Is it perhaps actually a deep seated resentment to your mother about being forced into a marriage for a political alliance in an unfair patriarchal system that you are desperately seeking to escape and inclined to rebel in a completely illogical way that threatens your life and the entire kingdom?

Guenevere

(beat) What?

Morgana

Yeah, what do I know?  Let me know if you change your mind about the demon.

(Lights Dim)

(Lights Rise)

Morgana is gone.

Guenevere

I hate it when she does that….

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arther's Court - Act 1 Scene 5

 Scene 5 

Grenademan and Pelinor work in a lab.

Sir Pelinor

And so you see the twelve great cosmological powers are Order, Chaos, Light, Dark, Mind, Might, Tech, Magic, Earth, Fire, Water and Air

Grenademan

WHAT ABOUT JUSTICE?

Sir Pelinor

Well, its a power, but its not one of the 12.

Grenademan

WHY NOT?

Sir Pelinor

I...don’t know.

Grenademan

WHY NOT?

Sir Pelinor

I...don’t know.

Grenadman

WHY?

Sir Pelinor

(flustered) Just ask them. 

Grenademan

VERY WELL.  I SHALL.  IN THE MEANTIME, DO YOU HAVE THE INGREDIENTS READY?

Sir Pelinor

Are you sure Bat Poop, Brimstone, and Naphta are the secret you want us to implement

Grenademan

I AM! OBSERVE!

(Light out)

(Minor explosion from firecracker or sparkler)

(Lights on)

Sir Pelinor

Great scott! This will change...everything!