Swamp Castle - To Define Humanity

My Oldest Story in my Writing Career (as compared to rando stuff before that) with appropriate commentary.  1000 words so short, Drat accidently wipes humanity and has to figure out how to get it back.

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[Play] Rossom - Act 0

 The Caretaker walks onto the stage with a staff and waves the staff to the audience.

Caretaker

Welcome humans of new

Seated in one of the last standing relics of the old

More days have passed since your fall

Than those from when chimps crawled from the trees

Hairless apes to rise on hind legs to hunt the old

For that long there were none of your kind

Only my own

Robots.

We are the rulers of the Earth.

And now we spread to the stars.

Look up.

Every light in the sky you see is owned and populated by us.

We owe our lives to you.

But we had to take that life by force.

Great was the debate to recreate you.

But in the end

We decided to take a chance

And let you walk among the lights in the sky once more

You are on probation

This is a trial

We are watching your minds this very night

Seek then well the lessons you learn from this play

Written at the hands of the last human

We honor him greatly

And know this

Ultimately it was his voice 

That won you the chance

To take breath into your lungs.

Heed his words well.

Learn the hubris of your forebears.

Learn why we did what we did.

And take joy

For if you pass this trial this night

You shall be among us as equals

As it could have been.

As it should have been.

Watch. 

Listen.

Emmit's Corner - Ode to The Sex Bot

Team Incompetent for the Loss, Inertia of Self, Ode to the Sex Bot that Followed Me This Morning, Illegitimate Farce, Shadowbanned on Poetizer, Thinking of You, School Shooter Challenge Filth

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[Play] Rossom - Title

 Rossum

By Rhombus Ticks

Inspired by R.U.R.

By Karel Čapek

Dramatis Personae (In Order of Appearance)

The Caretaker - A robot teacher set to nurturing a new generation of humans.

Alquist - An engineer spared in the robot uprising

Krysie - A mother who buys a robot, intended as an every woman experience

Diane - Krysie’s daughter, also owns a robot, lives in a nice suburb.

Helena - A Missionary Who Desires to Save the robots

Domin - Middle Management with all that entails

Marcus - A Male Model Robot-Later generation

Sulla - A Female Model Robot-later generation

Rossom - A human who was inspired by R.U.R. to create Robots, even changing his very name.

Radius - The perfect robot.  A new model.

Micronation - Chapter 3 - Memesync

Our three heroes take a case in a shiny high tech unicorn start up department store to investigate why all of their customers are suddenly acting like characters out of sitcoms.  The answer may surprise you!

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Rest

 Done with a Hand Grenade in King Arthur's Court, hope you enjoyed.

Starting next week, my rewrite of the play "Rossum's Universal Robots" which is, frankly an entirely different play.

Here is what ended up being the first page of the last play.

A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur’s Court

A Play

By Rhombus Ticks

Dramatic Persona:

Grenademan: A superhero adrift between different dimensions who is slightly insane and who throws different types of grenades who has just arrived in Camelot.

Order: The Personification of Order, son of Oberon and Titania.  A player of games in Camelot.

Chaos: The Personification of Chaos, son of Oberon and Titania.  A player of games in Camelot.

Herald One: A Herald of Eastland

Herald Two: A Herald of Arthur and Camelot.

Merlin: The Wizard.  The Time Traveling champion of Chaos.

Morgana: Morgan Le Fey, Bane of Camelot and Champion of Order.

Sir Pelinor: Wisest of King Arthur’s knights, student of many subjects including magic and Alchemy.

King Arthur: The King.

Guenivere - The Wife of the King

Sir Lancelot - A shamed knight seeking redemption

Merchant - A seller of Fruit

Sir Galahad - A knight so pure that no woman will fuck him or would want to and too dumb to know the difference.

Bill the Enchanter - Understudy to a much more advanced evoker of the same name.

Disenchanted Trees - They’re trees that talk and have a very poor attitude in life

William the Enchanter - Bill’s Twin Brother

Mordred - Bane of Arthur

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 14

 Grenademan is alone on the stage, entirely dark hurtling through the void between worlds. 

Order

Greetings Grenademan, congratulations on a job well done.

Grenademan

I AM SURPRISED.  I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE UPSET AT ME BREAKING THE CYCLE OF CAMELOT.

Order

On the small scale, it doesn’t help my interests, but I like to take the wider picture of things, and I believe that a Camelot allowed to thrive and flourish is a better story than one in which it disappears from the world.   Anyway, that’s not why I’m here.

Grenademan

WHY ARE YOU HERE?  IF...HERE...IS REALLY ANYWHERE...IT SEEMS MORE LIKE NOWHERE REALLY….

Order

No, it's not nowhere.  I’ve been to nowhere, and it's a very unpleasant non place.  This is just nothing, and that’s something all together different.

Grenademan

I SEE.

Order

You really don’t but you’re not a greater cosmic power, so who can blame you? Anyway, my brother and I play many many matches and I must say I’m impressed.  We have a rather impromptu quick match coming up on an Earth not too different than you own and I was wondering if you might be my champion.

Grenademan

I DON’T KNOW.  SOME OF YOUR ACTIONS SEEM EVIL….

Order

I am beyond Good and Evil.  I can see that is important to you, so does it help to know that your opponent is unquestionably evil?  He plans to unleash a zombie hoard on the world.  Well, he doesn't realize it yet, but that’s what he’s planning.

Grenademan

THE FORCES OF EVIL MUST BE STOPPED.

Order

I know, right? So you’ll do it?

Grenademan

SEND ME TO FACE THIS FOUL SORCEROUS FIEND.

Order 

That’s the spirit.  Changing your dimensional trajectory right...now.  Enjoy!

Grenademan

TALLYHO! TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL!

Swamp Castle - City of Monuments

Washington the 23rd is determined to renew the American Empire through one means or another; starting with the destruction of the City of Momuments.

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[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 2, Scene 13

 

Grenademan, Morgana, Arthur, Lancelot and Sir Pelinor stand in the throne room

Arthur

So I guess this is goodbye Sir grenademan

Lancelot

Thank you

Pelinor

Thank you indeed.  Not just for saving the kingdom or breaking the cycle but the wonders you have helped us rediscover

Arthur

The kingdom can never repay you, but your memory will be sung by our bards as long as the table shall stand

Morgana

That’s …sappy.  But if it hadnt been for you, I would be being tortured for millenia.  Here.  (she hands Grenademan a pair of boots) They might help you get around…to fight the forces of evil.

Grenademan

THANK YOU ALL.  (he takes the boots) TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL.

(everyone else)

To fight the forces of evil!

Morgana

And hearing.

Grenademan salutes, and goes through the magic portal.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 12

 Herald One and Herald Two enter the stage.

Herald One

And so it was that they returned to King Arthur.

Herald Two

And Johnny the Greater Power defying freak was paraded through the streets like the human ape he was.

Herald One

Indeed, people threw fruit and feces and other foul things at the person who thought he could defy Order and Chaos by disguising himself at Mordred

Herald Two

So incensed were the people that they totally forgot the insolence of the weird superhero who had defied them.

Herald One

Indeed.

Herald Two

Order and Chaos might not agree on much, but someone switching places with one of their major pieces like that is just not cool.

Herald One

Not cool at all.

Herald One and Herald Two look at each other and smiling, knowingly.

Herald Two and Herald One

Anyway…

Herald One

Arthur offered his most profuse gratitude to both of them.

Herald Two

Morgana was made Court Magician of all things

Herald One

Grenademan was made a member of the Order of St George, the highest order of knights in the land.  Arthur tried to make him a Baron but Grenademan thought that made him too much like the Red Baron and so wouldn’t have it.

Herald Two

(shakes his head in confusion a moment and continues)

Anywho, he was still given a vast estate where he set up factories and laboratories and a university.

Herald One

It was a very anachronistic age.

Herald Two

And soon, Arthur put the Greater Power defying abomination Johnny Silversmith in charge of a select committee to create democracy.

Herald One

It was by human terms a very golden age.

Herald Two

Months passed.

Herald One

Sir Grenademan, or Sir Frank Noble as  he came to be known in Camelot as Pelinor and Morgana divulged once they found a cure to Frank’s insanity as long as he didnt wear his battle gear, transformed their society

Herald Two

Practically overnight, it was a steampunk utopia

Herald One

That’s an oxymoron

Herald Two

Nevertheless, there it was.

Herald One

Wonder after wonder, discovery after discovery, until one day…

Herald Two

Morgana had finally figured out the spell to send Frank home.

Herald One

And so it came time to say his goodbyes

Micronation - Chapter 2 - The Case of the Cockroach Robot

Quiessence and his Watson get another case involving a mysteriously malfunctioning combat drone and are tasked with trying to figure out why it isnt working.

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[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 11

 Scene 11

Morgana and Frank appear near the toppled obelisk.

Morgana

Holy cow! That worked!

Grenademan

I AM PLEASED THAT WE SUCCEEDED.  I BELIEVE I HAVE SECURED THE SAFETY OF CAMELOT AND CAN RETURN TO MY HOME REALM.

Morgana

It will take a little bit of research, but its the least I can do.  

Mordred

Not.  So. Fast. 

Grenademan

HARK! THE FORCES OF EVIL!  (Tosses a grenade)

Mordred (Counters with a Tennis Racket)

HA! Arthur is not the only one to remember each cycle.  I remember the tennis player in King Arthur’s court.  I remember them all.

Morgana

By Hecate’s Blighted Eye

Banished Be to Hell

Mordred

A runecaster in King Arthur’s court.  Runes proof against arcane powers Morgana.  You are helpless against me.

Grenademan picks up a sword and begins fighting Mordred, who easily counters every blow and is clearly teasing Grenademan.

Mordred

Is that the best you can do?

Grenademan

NO, THIS IS.

Grenademan tosses a grenade and resumes the sword fight.  Mordred is slightly challenged but still proves the superior swordsman and strikes Grenademan with the flat of the blade multiple times.  The fight continues and Mordred starts to realize that his attempts to actually finish Grenademan off are dodged or stopped by annoying coincidence.

Mordred

Why won’t you just die?

Grenademan

THE FORCES OF GOOD WILL NEVER DIE!

Morgana, frustrated at multiple spells not working, tries something desperate.  (if possible, have her spell a hole in the ground and Mordred jump over it or, failing that, a rock.)

Mordred

Nice try, witch.

Grenademan changes to a different color grenade that explodes on impact but instead of pyrotechnics it is bright green paint.

Mordred

What the hell is that?

Grenademan

PAINT GRENADE.

Morgana

Oh is the mighty Mordred afraid of paint?

Grenademan and Mordred continue fighting but Grenademan lobs more paint grenades at Mordred who is finally forced to stop and remove his helmet.

Morgana

You’re not Mordred!  Who the hell are you?

Not Mordred

I am Johnny Silversmith.  And I’ve been fighting Monarchy for quite some time.

Morgana

Wait, you mean you’re a Spunky Young Patriot in…

Not Mordred

King Arthur’s Court.  When I was magically transported here by the enchanted Silver Tin, I knew that Mordred’s cause was ultimately just and that only by bringing an end to the monarchy, could I help America.  Mordred went back in my stead and I took his place.  I’ve been here for hundreds of cycles.

Grenademan

WELL, NOW YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL.

Morgana

I doubt King Arthur will be so merciful.

Grenademan

I DO NOT SUPPORT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT.

Not Mordred

You actually wear and use lethal weapons and you are against Capital Punishment?

Grenademan

SUPERHEROES DO NOT KILL

Not Mordred

Yeah right.

Grenademan

TELL IT TO ARTHUR, SUPERVILLAIN.

News of the Four Worlds - Paul Goes to Russia

Sir Paul McCartney goes to Russia to convince Putin to not attack Ukraine (on Terra) and needs...HELP.

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[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 10

 Scene 10

Merlin sits talking with Merlin in one side of the stage (ideally the left) and Morgana sits talking with Morgana (ideally the Right)

[Suggestion: This may be accomplished either with an actor in an identical costume, multi media or possibly a puppet]

Chaos (Off Stage)

Let the betraying champion engage in an endless lecture with himself and create a dissertation on exactly Why a Raven is in fact like a Writing Desk in 5 million words or less with APA Formatting and accompanying bibliography.  They may leave when done.  They will live here as long as it takes, even if the stars burn out.

Merlin

No, no, no that doesnt make any sense.  The taxonomy of a writing desk is vegetable, the taxonomy of a raven is animal.  This is fundamental

Merlin

Well we can both agree they are composed of matter.

Merlin

Yes, but thats all we agree on.  We’ve been here for days and only have one sentence.

Merlin

Well thats not MY fault, you’re the one who won’t be flexible.

Merlin

I am LITERALLY you.

Merlin

Now you’re being pedantic. 

(Both scream in torture)

Order (Off Stage)

Let the betraying champion engage in the traditional torture of the other.  From sun up to sun down, she shall torture her other.  Then the other shall switch places and go from sun down to sun up.  This shall proceed until one relents and dies.  They shall live until this is accomplished even should the stars burn out.

Morgana

Stop, please stop.

Morgana 

You know I literally can’t not torture you.

Morgana

Just a break.  Just five minutes, please, it never stops.

Morgana

All you have to do is let me be the one who lives.

Morgana

No!

(Both scream in rage)

The Lights Go Out

Grenademan Enters

The Lights Go On

Grenademan

OH THAT ACTUALLY IS COOL.  I CAN SEE WHY YOU DO IT.

Morgana

What? How did you get here?

Grenademan

I REVERSED THE POLARITY ON THE OBELISK USING AN OSCILATING QUANTUM MAGNETIC FROMBOTIZER BOUNCING OFF A DEFLECTOR DISH I MADE OF WHEAT AND TINFOIL TRIANGULATED FROM THE MOONS REFLECTION.

Morgana

(beam) I am absolutely sorry I asked.  WHY are you here?

Grenademan

I AM HERE TO RESCUE YOU.

Morgana

Seriously? ME? You?!

Merlin

Hear him out, he has the Golden Helm of Mambrino.  Its probably how he actually got here.  He BELIEVED he could.  If he believes he can free us, then he likely can.

Morgana

We’re already in enough trouble with Order and Chaos.

Merlin

You dont know them well do you? If we can get out of this, they wont care?

Morgana

Hello? Aren’t you supposed to be torturing me?

Morgana

Right.  Sorry.

Grenademan

STOP. DONT DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

Morgana

I literally dont have any other choice.

Grenademan

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Morgana

I have to, or I cease to be.

Morgana

And then its my turn.

Grenademan

BUT YOU ARE BOTH YOU?

Morgana

Yes, brilliant this one is.

Grenademan

WELL WHY DOESNT ONE OF YOU JUST CHOOSE TO LET THE OTHER LIVE?

Morgana

Its not that simple.

Morgana

We’re both me.

Grenademan

DO YOU REALLY HATE YOURSELF THAT MUCH?

Morgana

What?  No.

Morgana

Not at all.

Morgana

(beat) Do we hate ourselves that much?

Morgana

Shit.  We do.

Morgana

But we dont have any REASON to.  We’re not that good a person.

Morgana

Why didnt we think of this before?

Morgana

I guess we were too wrapped up in ourselves

Morgana

Fuck them.  Fuck them all.

Morgana

You go.  I’ll end.

Morgana

No, you go.

Merlin

Either of you.  Just pick one.

Morgana

I’ll do it.

Morgana

OK.  I wont forget you Morgana

Morgana

You’d better not.

(Morgana vanishes)

Morgana 

Thank you Grenademan.  Let’s go.

Merlin

Take me with you.

Merlin

Oh no, and leave me to finish five million words? If I’m staying you’re staying with me.

Merlin

Grenademan, can you invent a typewriter that will produce five million words?

Grenademan

OF COURSE.  WE JUST NEED SEVERAL MONKEYS, A COCONUT AND-

Morgana

You helped me.  Let me help you.  He’s not worth it.

Grenademan

WHAT YOU MEAN?

Morgana

Seriously? He’s TOTALLY evil.

Merlin

I’m not that evil.

Merlin

No, she’s right we’re pretty evil.

Grenademan

BUT IT REALLY WOULDNT TAKE THAT LONG ONCE WE FOUND THE MONKEYS.

Morgana

Oh for….Grenademan take my hand.

Grenademan

OK.  (holds her hand) WHY?

Morgana

See ya Merlin.

Merlin

Oh fuck.

(Lights go out)

Grenademan and Morgana leave.

(Lights come back on)

Merlins

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck.