[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2 Scene 1

Merlin is worrying in his study.  Chaos enters.

Merlin

What are we going to do?

Chaos

Greetings Champion.

Merlin (stands)

Oh.  Chaos!  How wonderous that you have graced us with your presence.

Chaos

Is it the royal we now?

Merlin

No, I meant, um, collectively, Camelot benefits from your presence each time you visit it.

Chaos

Does it?

Merlin

Oh definitely.

Chaos

How exactly?

Merlin

Uh, well, more freedom of course, and more fun unexpected encounters.

Chaos

It is true, I am awesome and I am the source of spontaneity and luck and the unexpected.  And freedom, for whatever that really means.  And what have you done to help that along lately, Merlin?

Merlin

Um, come again?

Chaos

You’re my champion, right?

Merlin

Yes.  Yes, of course.

Chaos

So report.  How is my cause?

Merlin

I’ve…(beat) I’ve been monitoring a grave situation regarding Grenademan.

Chaos

Oh?

Merlin

Yes, he has an artifact, the Helm of Mambrino, from a previous champion of yours in a different game.

Chaos

That sounds like more chaos, not less.

Merlin

Yes, but it might be considered cheating.

Chaos

I see.  And that’s it?

Merlin

Well…

Chaos

That’s the best you can do?

Merlin

I (beat) can certainly do more, that has been my plan all along.

Chaos

Excellent.  Do tell me about your plan.

Merlin

I had been keeping it secret since Order’s spies are everywhere.  But I assure you, much chaos will be spread.

Chaos

Fantastic.  And what chaos will that be?

Merlin

Funny you should ask, I have a whole raft of chaotic things to do.

Chaos

Wonderful.  Such as?

Merlin

(Beat) I will turn half the knights of Camelot into Barnyard animals.

Chaos

Bingo.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 17

 Order and Chaos resume their respective positions.

Order

Well, this is quite the round, isnt it?

Chaos

Indeed, this random factor is the most random yet.

Order

I can’t help but notice that he has a relic that belongs to you.

Chaos

Mere happenstance, I assure you.

Order

You will pardon, brother, my observation that randomness tends to favor you in almost all circumstances.

Chaos

Randomness is my sphere is it not?

Order

If I did not know you were incapable of truly planning ahead, one would almost think you had seeded a number of these things in previous games with the intent that it would eventually affect other rounds.

Chaos

First, brother, of course I plan ahead.  Chaos does build on chaos, but in this case I will not take credit where there is none.  This is random random, not planned random.

Order

I fail to see the difference.

Chaos

Not surprised at that.  Do you consider this a violation of the rules?

Order

I’ll leave that interpretation to father when we tally at the end.

Chaos

Fair enough.  I, for one, am enjoying this round.

Order

I must say we are in rare agreement, but for entirely different reasons.

Chaos

Oh? I don’t understand what you see in it.

Order

That’s for me to know and you to find out.

Chaos

How enigmatic.  

Order

Am I? Our games are entertaining but I am what separates the world from doom.  By me, civilization exists.

Chaos

Yeah right.  Spare me the platitudes.  What’s your real game here?

Order

Aren’t games most of what we do?

Chaos

There is the game and then there is the Game.  I just don't see how you win if I win.

Order

I suppose a small hint is reasonable.

Chaos

By all means.

Order

Your champion seems...exceedingly unenthusiastic.

Chaos

What...do you mean?

Order

Has Merlin done...ANYTHING to further chaos this round?

Chaos ponders silently.

Order

Exactly.

Chaos storms off.

End Act 1

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 16

 

Grenademan, Galahad and Lancelot enter

William

Welcome grail seekers, to the unpronounceable cave.

Grenademan

BILL?

William

No, William, I’m Bill’s twin brother.  Common misconception.

Galahad

What is the unpronounceable cave?

William

Unpronounceable?

Galahad

What?

William

The cave.

Galahad

What about the cave?

William

It’s unpronounceable.  Sharp one, your friend I see.

Lancelot

That’s my son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yes, we all know.

Gredademan

WE SEEK THE HOLY GRAIL.

William

Then please select any grail you choose.

(Stagelights show several coffee mugs, tumblers, slurpy cups, medieval style cups. Merlin steps in, no one seems to notice.)

Merlin

One for every cycle of the loop.  You will never get it.

Grenademan 

AM I ALLOWED TO USE SCIENCE?

William

I...don’t think it is against the rules.

Grenademan

(pulls out a metal detector and begins running it up around the cups)

THE GRAIL ORIGINALLY CAUGHT THE CUP OF CHRIST, DID IT NOT

Lancelot

That’s correct, Grenademan.

Grenademan

THEN IT IS ONE OF THESE THREE.  (He points to three cups)

Merlin

It is a lucky thing for us all that loop #47 was a Vampire in King Arthur’s Court and #666 was a Serial Killer in King Arthur’s court.

Grenademan

WHAT KIND OF BLOODTYPE WAS JESUS?

Lancelot

What is a blood type?

Grenademan

IT IS WHAT LETS SOMEONE DONATE TO OTHERS OR RECEIVE BLOOD FROM OTHERS.  

Lancelot

What kinds are there?

Grenademan

A, B, AB, AND O.  THERE IS ALSO A POSITIVE AND A NEGATIVE.  THEY GO FROM O NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE UNIVERAL DONOR TO AB NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE RAREST OF ALL.

Galahad

Christ would have the rarest blood of all.

Lancelot

He would be this...O Negative.

Grenademan

WHY DO YOU THINK SO?

Lancelot

Christ gave.  That is what he did.

Grenademan

(waves the metal detector) THIS ONE HAS O NEGATIVE.

Lancelot 

(moves to take the grail, almost takes it and then looks at Grenademan and Galahad and sighs)

After you son.

Galahad

But I don’t think Christ would have common blood.  He was the king of kings.  What kind do kings have?

Lancelot

Just take the bloody grail!

Galahad

But…

Lancelot

Do it.

Galahad takes the cup.  LIght shines around him and there is choral singing.

Merlin

No! NO!

William

You have chosen….correctly.

Grenademan

BUT NOT WISELY

William

I would not call any of you….wise.

Galahad

This is too easy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

Where is the fire breathing dragon? Where is the is the angel with a fiery sword? That’s not how this is supposed to work.

William

Do you need the grail?

Lancelot

Desperately.  Arthur is cursed and thus so too is the land.

William

Then take it.

Galahad

No.  (puts the grail back)  This is not worthy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

This task is not worthy of me.

William

You are telling God that his task is not worthy of you?

Galahad 

I refuse to believe this is God’s task.

Lancelot (Looking at Grenademan)

Don’t look at me, I’m a sinner.

Grenademan

I DO SEEM TO RECALL THAT REDEMPTION IS SOMETHING THAT IS THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE FOR THIS PARTICULAR DEIFIC OCCASION.

Lancelot

I’m not worthy.  You take it.

Grenademan

I WILL IF YOU WONT, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD.

Lancelot trembling takes the cup.  The same angelic choir and lights resume.

William

You have chosen... the same thing.

Grenademan

BUT I THINK MORE APPROPRIATELY.

William

Agreed.

Lancelot kneels and then clasps the grail, gratefully.

Merlin

Fuck. (beat) Fuckfuckfuck.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 15

 Grenademan Galahad and Lancelot are in front of a cave.  There is a Rock with Rabbit ears on it.

Lancelot

What is it?

Grenademan

I BELIEVE IT IS A ROCK.

Lancelot

Why are there rabbit ears on it?

GRENADEMAN

I AM UNSURE.

Galahad

It looks terrifying.

Lancelot

It’s a rock.  (beat) With rabbit ears on it.

Grenademan

SHOULD I BLOW IT UP?

Lancelot

Does it look evil?

Grenademan studies the rock, far longer than should be necessary.  He goes over and looks at the rock from all sides.

Grenademan

NO.  THIS ROCK DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE A MEMBER OF THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Galahad

I think it looks evil.

Lancelot

You have very poor judgement, son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yaddah Yaddah Yaddah.

Galahad

What?

Lancelot

Let’s go inside.  (Walks past the rock into the cave)

Grenademan studies the rock, one more time and then walks past it.

Galahad stares at the rock, shudders and then walks around it with as wide a path as the cave will allow.  He enters the cave.

A pair of evil looking eyes open on the rock and evil laughter starts.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 14

 Grenademan and Lancelot and Galahad are with Bill the Enchanter looking at a map, Grenademan is talking to Bill, Galahad and Lancelot do not look happy.

There is a faint ringing sound off stage, loud enough to be heard by the audience but not loud enough to annoy them.

Lancelot (mouths but does not say)

What?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

What did you say?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

I can’t hear you

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

Speak up

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Grenademan shakes Bill’s hand and the three heroes leave off stage.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 13

 Galahad, Grenademan and Lancelot are all looking at a fold out map.

Grenademan

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO BACK AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS AGAIN.

Galahad

I know where we’re going.  I have a natural sense of direction.

Lancelot

I refuse to spend another second in the presence of Bill the Enchanter.  He’s the one that got us lost in the Disenfranchished Forest

Trees (Off stage, whispering)

Democracy should be the basis of constitutional government

If you must have an aquatic ceremony for the transfer of power it should be with choreographed swimming

A parody of a parody is not as sharp as the original.

Grenademan

I COULD CLEAR AWAY THE TREES WITH GRENADES.

Galahad

Have you ever gotten a really bad splinter before? I don’t think so.

Lancelot

My son has a point, paper cuts are nothing to jest at.

Trees

You probably don’t have enough grenades.

Why not give up and stop trying to find the grail?

This will all end in tears.

Galahad

I am a man, I don’t cry.

Trees

Real men eat Quiche.

Don’t bottle your feelings up inside unless you are opening a franchise

What does that even mean?  That made no sense

I’m trying to go for a sort of ironic sarcasm

Well it didn’t work

Can we focus here please?

Grenadman

ARE YOU SURE I CAN’T BLOW THEM UP? THEY SEEM TO BE WORKING FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL

Trees

More like the forces of sarcasm

The forces of ennui in an inherently entropic universe

I welcome death, maybe I”ll come back as an iguana

Lancelot

You know what? Have at it buddy.

Grenademan

TALLYHO!!!  (Grenademan blows up trees)

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 12

Lancelot, Galahad and Grenademan ride into a clearing.  

Bill the enchanter enters looking quite hung over.

Grenademan

THIS IS THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR QUEST.

Lancelot

How do you know?

Grenademan

The Movie told me.

Lancelot

What is a movie?  You know what, don’t answer that question.

Bill

Ow.  Must you all be so loud.  (pours a hangover cure, and drinks it)

Grenademan

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

Bill

Not surprised.  Are you here to seek the grail?

Lancelot

We are.  Do you know where to find it?

Bill

I actually do.  (takes out a fold out map and shows Lancelot) You go that way, turn left, go about 12 miles and take a left.  There will be a large cave with some runes that say ‘Grail here’ and you can't miss it.

Lancelot

Thank you, very helpful

Galahad

That’s...it?

Bill

Excuse me?

Galahad

No riddles? No special tasks? Nothing?

Bill

I’ve got a hell of a hangover.  Sorry, I'm not in the mood, I can find a riddle book if you like.

Grenademan

IS YOUR NAME TIM?

Bill

I’m Tim’s understudy.  Tim is on vacay.

Grenademan

WHERE?

Bill

Albuquerque, lovely this time of year.

Lancelot

Where? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

Galahad

I feel cheated.

Grenademan

I HEAR ALBUQUERQUE IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.

Bill

Not really.  Assuming you can even get there, what with the left turns and all, its blistering hot and full of scorpions.

Lancelot

Let us ride!

Grenademan

TALLYHO

Galahad

This is terribly anti-climatic.