Goodreads Giveaway

 Sent.  But I have a spare book, so to anyone actually reading my blog that didnt get one but wants "Have Name, Will Travel" email redanvilcreative@gmail.com w your name and address and the first two will get a copy.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 11

 Scene 11

Morgana

Good evening people, may I have your attention? 

(Beat)

Good.  Great changes are happening.

(beat)

Do you care about them?  Do you want change?

(beat)

I am supposed to be championing the status quo, do you know the status quo?

(beat)

Its an argument of blood and bone, fate and free will isnt it? Round and round like ants in an ant farm.  Order? Chaos? What does it matter if you get looped again and again?

(beat)

Do you imagine a savior will fall from the sky that isn't already on the board? Arthur is too lost in his own shame.  Lancelot is stained.  Gallahad is dumb as a bag of hammers.  Merlin is a pompous windbag.  I’m supposed to champion this cycle, and yes I speak openly about it.  You'll never remember anyway, so why not do so? And yes, I have seen you do it before.  It's not like the hidden plans for Morded’s attack are going to fall out of the sky and be delivered by two mechanical men to a farm boy who teams up with a smuggler and a sky wizard (who isn't a pompous windbag like Merlin) to save the non existent rebellion and make the world or the galaxy a better place?  No idea what I’m talking about?  Of course not, you’re medieval peasants.  But your kids are gonna love it.

(Beat)

Well.  The real medieval peasants kids loved it.  You guys are just fictional echoes aren’t you?  I guess that makes me a fictional echo but I’m more real because I know where I came from.  You’re just extras in the background, and not even featured ones at that.

(Grenademan and Lancelot enter)

Lancelot

It’s the witch!

Grenademan

WHICH WITCH?

Lancelot

Does that nonsense never end with you? Its like you are obliged to do it.  Is some fairy hidden in the bushes paying you money every time you spout gibberish?

Morgana

Lancelot.  Grenademan.

Lancelot

We want nothing to do with you witch.  Begin or we will strike.

Grenademan

I DO NOT BELONG TO A LABOUR UNION.

Morgana

You are a bag of particularly sharp doorknobs aren’t you?

Lancelot

She’s evil!  

Morgana

I’m not going anywhere.  Do you think you can hurt me?

Grenademan

TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL!  (throws grenade)

Morgana

(casts a spell to move it aside)

I don’t have time for this.

(Lights Dim)

Morgana Leaves

(Lights Go Up)

Lancelot

I hate it when she does that.

Grenademan

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Sir Galahad (Offstage)

CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Lancelot

Oh fuck.

Grenademan

WHY IS THAT KNIGHT ATTEMPTING TO CHARGE THE CAR?

Lancelot

Congrations Grenademan, you’ve found your grail finder.  This is Sir Galahad, the pure.

Sir Galahad

(Comes on stage and takes out his sword and begins to hack at the car.  Steam should come out and if possible harmless but physical pieces should come out into the audience to simulate the sheer wantonly ignorant destruction and rage as he beats a dead horseess carriage) Have at thee! Die foul dragon! Beast from hell! I shall slay thee! Smite thee in the name of our Lord God the chaste and pure Jesus of Nazath die foul thing of satan I shall smite at thee and thou shalt die

Grenademan

IT WAS NEVER ALIVE.

Sir Galahad

Neverborn dragon! Technological abomination! I smite thee! (Continues to whack at the car)

Grenademan

I CAN FIX IT.

Sir Galahad

None shall save this wicked beast.

Sir Lancelot

Galahad, Grenademan.  Grenademan, my son (Lancelot air quotes) Galahad.

Sir Galahad

(stops whacking at the car and points a finger at Lancelot)

Noooooooo! You’re not my father.

Sir Lancelot

Join me, and together we can find the holy grail.

Sir Galahad

Never! I’ll never join your side.

Sir Lancelot 

(To Grenademan) 

Finds the holy grail you say?

Grenademan

THAT’S THE SCRIPT.

Sir Lancelot

I think we’ll need to flip that.

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1, Scene 10

 Scene 10

Lancelot walks on a weary road.

Lancelot

I seek the grail like any other knight, but am sure I shall not find it.  I am all but banished from court.  The accusation hung in the air like lead.  But how can one who is anything but pure in heart...what in the devil is that?

(Grenademan drives up in a car)

Grenademan

TALLYHO GOOD SIR KNIGHT, HAVE YOU SEEN SIR GALAHAD?

Lancelot

Ah, and yet my other shame is named of me, the illegitimate son I begot with Elaine of Corbenic.  This May Day is anything but festive.

Grenademan

MAYDAY? ARE YOU IN TROUBLE GOOD SIR KNIGHT? I AM GRENADEMAN.

Lancelot

Yes, Sir Grenademan, my heart bleeds for I seek the Grail.  I have not seen my son since we all split ways to search for the grail.  I hear he is north in Cumberland.  Why seek ye him?

Grenademan

JUST GRENADEMAN.  I AM NOT A KNIGHT.  SIR GALAHAD IS THE ONE WHO WILL FIND THE GRAIL.  BY DRIVING WITH HIM IN THIS (he pats the car) WE SHALL SPEED THE SEARCH.

Lancelot

Ah, my apologies.  You carry impressive weaponry for a peasant.  

Merchant enters stage

Merchant

Fruit for sale, fruit!  Who wouldn’t want wonderful fruit on a fine Mayday like this one.  The sun is shining, the wind at my back, what could be better than some nice cool water melon.

Lancelot

I will take a melon good Merchant.

Grenademan

I AM NOT A PEASANT.  I AM A SUPERHERO.  I FIGHT FOR THE FORCES OF GOOD AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Merchant

You’re a Schlemiel.  (Gives Lancelot a melon)

Lancelot

Wait, you said that Galahad WILL find the Grail.   How do you know he will?  Did an angel of the Lord tell you?

Grenademan

THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING TOLD ME.

Lancelot

Who is the Once and Future King?

Grenademan

KING ARTHUR.

Lancelot

So King Arthur told you? How did HE know?

Grenademan

THE BOOK TOLD ME.

Lancelot

What book?

Grenademan

THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING.

Lancelot

(beat) So you call this thing you’re riding a car you say.

Grenademan

YES.

Lancelot

Great.  Lets go.

Grenademan

TALLYHO!

Lancelot

Bloody peasant.

Merchant

Schemiel. 

Grenademan and Lancelot drive off.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 9

 Scene 9

Herald One and Herald Two duel in the public square

Herald One

The Sword in the Stone

Drew forth made a King

Tales ere of old then

The bards then did sing

Herald Two

And then civil war happened

Bippity boppity boo

Whoo hoo and a dingle berry too

Mystical Arthur and his fipity wizard

He thinks he is wise

Cause he spent time as a Lizard

What the fuck man?

No one with guts took him seriously

So he beat the ever living shit out of them

With his magical sword

Til they pretended he was Uther’s son

Herald One

Unite the realm he did

Under God one and all

A round table he made

True knights follow the call

Herald Two

A gaggle of trash

Randos with nothing better

To spend their time on.

Herald One

Their glory and quests legend

Their numbers swell each day

The Knights of Camelot unquealed

Enlightened by surefire Ephereveence Ray

Herald Two

I can’t take a peck

At the foam and fleck

Of tin cans in a 

Suit of Sardines but

I think the downer

Is the out of towner

Named Mordred so

I heard.  The boy is tight

In a joust or a fight

Didnt Arthur sleep with his Mom?

Morgana boink him

Along comes Mordred

High thee father 

I’ve come to claim my crown

Then froth did the king

At the bastard thing

That oozed into Camelot’s tile

It stains the land

And isnt it grand

That the pureness has turned into bile?

Herald One

A bastard cant undo purity

Behold our glorious queen Guenevere

Soon an heir will grace

That we can then revere.

Herald Two

Oh thats just swell

I like that one one

Iambic pentameter your ass

Seriously pal you gave me that one on a free platter

I knick knack paddy whack your ass

Since everyone

Whose anyone 

Knows that Lancelot has boinked the Queen

Isnt that the problem

If you get what I mean?

The scene

That scene

Such as it is

Made every knight scurry like an ant

Trying to find the grail

To cure a dying king

Who fought Lancelot

And Lost

Trial by Combat

Might as well be Wombat

I’m sure the Desert God

Will answer their prayers any day now

Herald One 

Their prayers are indeed heard

The most high of Order

Will restore the balance anon

And sully not the Queen!

Herald Two

LOL, you broke rhyme brother

Herald One

(beat)

Curse you.

Both leave.

lllegitimate Farce

 Check out Emmit Other's poem!

https://poetizer.com/poem/3279634

 

After the last great war

We determined to never have another one

A place where nations could talk

Instead of shoot

And for decades it worked

OK

The Security Council was garbage

But sometimes let keepers work

When the big boys didnt have a dog in that fight

Or stopping diseases

With the WHO

Until Winnie the Pooh took over China

And suddenly truth is an embarrassment

The CCP let covid fester

For their pretty pretty meeting

And millions have died

And now the Garbage WHO

Which doesnt and didnt want to offend China

Reelects the same garbage leader

Who now skips the greek letter Xi

To name the latest variant

To avoid offending the glorious leader Pooh

Has demonstrated its time for the UN to go

And be replaced by a world democratic forum

The UN needs to go away

Metaphorically burn it to the ground

Emmit's Corner - Both Sider Freak

8 Poems by Emmit Other including Both Sider Freak, Modern Prophesy, Gut Punch, Crack Suicide Squad, Games Should be Fun, Defending ZZz, The Presidency is Not a Tennis Court, Return to the New Bohemia, And Nothing of Value Was Lost

Check out this episode!

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1 Scene 8

 Scene 8

Morgana and Merlin are on stage.

Morgana

Well?

Merlin

This is incredibly bad.

Morgana

What?

Merlin

Grenademan has a powerful chaos artifact.

Morgana

And?

Merlin

How can you not consider this a problem?

Morgana

How can you possibly care about what those two assholes care about anything? They use us as playthings and force us to remember it.  I’ve had to consult with Guenevere the Oxford Scholar for 400 cycles in a row now.  That’s centuries subjectively speaking.

Merlin

Can you put that away?

Morgana

Put what away? 

Merlin

Your ego, its suffocating the room, this is serious.

Morgana

Look, just because you have a man crush on Order doesn’t mean that this is my problem.  I think that this is just because you’re worried about losing our bet.

Merlin

What? No! I’m just looking out for both of us.  He has to be sent away.

Morgana

That’s your solution to anything Chaos portals in, portal them away.  Order’s side.  Chaos’s side.  You want to keep Camelot clean and simple.

Merlin

Anything and everything all of the time.

Morgana

What?

Merlin

People have no idea how close Camelot is to all corners of Western Civilization.  Everything is connected.  This game between Chaos and Order is part of the reason the legend is so prominent.  It is a tragedy, like Romeo and Juliet.  The world needs it.  Its important.  I have a duty to keep it together.

Morgana

Nothing you said is wrong.  But you forget who you are talking to.  I know you Merlin.  This isnt about some higher duty.  This is you living in the past like some washed  up high school jock reliving their high school football days.  You’re terrified of moving on.  

Merlin

It did all the things we designed it to do.  People don’t understand what Camelot was supposed to do.  And its still doing it.  It represents the ideals of order and good and hope.

Morgana

Order you say?

Merlin

I mean….(beat) You can’t have Order without Chaos.

Morgana

So hope and believing in something greater than yourself?

Merlin

Precisely.

Morgana

Like Grenademan?

Merlin

No not like that idiot.  He’s a literal hand grenade loose in the court and will break everything.  He is a literal agent of chaos.

Morgana

And you are supposed to be championing chaos.

Merlin

I-(beat)

Morgana

We didnt have to switch up.  You were the one who got bored.  You were the one who pitched the idea of switching to them.

(Beat as Merlin doesnt say anything)

You just wanted Order to admit that he liked you as his champion.  You wanted him to acknowledge you.  And he didn’t. Because he’s Order.

Merlin

Abstralatoria! (Lights and if possible pyrotechnics pursue) 

Who are YOU to psycho analyze ME?  

Morgana

I knew magic when you were just an infant. 

Trajaliyia! (more lights and pyrotechnics)

You don’t intimidate ME.

Merlin

Know your place!

Morgana

My place is anywhere I want it to be.  

Merlin

You tread on dangerous ground.

Morgana

Do I?  Do I old man? Well, you say Grenademan is dangerous? That he is a problem? Let’s see just how much of a problem he can be.

(Lights go out, Lights go up, Morgana is gone.)

Merlin

I hate it when she does that.