Swamp Castle - Closing Comments

I talk about my experience with the writing track at SFWA and World Con 2011.

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[Script] The Sins of Silicon Valley - Act 2, Scene 6 - The Most Evil Company In The World

 Scene 6 - The Most Evil Company in the World

VO: We could talk a lot more about how Evil Amazon is….but we all know you’re here for the star of our show

[Elon Musk with a stupid smille comes sliding on to the stage]

VO: No, not you

[Gengis Khan slides on.]

VO: No.

[Stalin]

VO: No

[Rockfeller, Margaret Thatcher, Bush, Reagan, Trump, Henry the Eighth]

VO: No no no no no no, the most EVIL Person in the world who owns the most evil company in the world

[Mark Zuckerberg slides to the center of the stage]

Audience Side Effect: oooooooooooooooooooooh

[Screen shifts to a Facebook Logo]

VO: Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence yes?  Well just why is Facebook the most evil company in the world? More evil than all these guys

[Screen shows East India Company, IBM, Microsoft, Google, Amazon and Apple all come on to the screen]

VO: Put together

[Logos come together and forms Facebook Logo]

VO: Several years ago, there was a movie that did a better job than we ever could that told the origin of facebook

[Screen shows images of the Social Network]

VO: The Social Network by Aaron Sorkin.  (Read Quickly) TLDR, Once upon a time, there was an amoral but adorkable guy named Mark Zuckerberg who had a solid idea, you know, for kids, no wrong movie, to take MySpace and increase it to steroids because he couldnt get a data and saw people and friendships as commodities and so it started as the facebook for collage (to get dates) and it was really super successful and everyone started using it so you could friend your mom, your roommate, your sisters cousins former roommate and even people who were absolutely nothing and smart people told Mark to learn the lesson of Steve Jobs and lock the company stock up so no one could ever steal it from him and so he stole Facebook 1.0 from the bros who helped bring us Bitcoin and Cryptofascism and made Facebook 2.0 which is one of the largest most powerful companies in the world and Mark lived happily ever after and Mark won and yaaaay Mark and everyone loves Mark because they love the facebook right? YAAAAY MARK.

Screen Goes Dark.

VO: Ahem.  Anyway.

[Script] The Sins of Silicon Valley - Act 2 - Scene 5 - Jar Jar Bezos

 [Scene] Musical score starts, Images of warehouses and lemonaid interspersed with smiling employees and lemons and lemonade and if possible pouring lemonade.

VO: One upon a time

There was a man Bezos

And he started a company 

Called Amazon 

That made electronic books for pesos

It burned up 

Most of the good bookstores

And left us Barnes and Noble

And turned the publishing industry

Into a pile of rubble

But then Jeff slowly changed

It to an everything store

He saw what Walmart did

And knew he wanted more

So bit by bit 

He changed amazon

Into a mighty beast

And made his own workers

Finger who was valued least

Suicide prevention 

Then became a thing in tech

Token pretense to worker health

Was the least they could do Heck

They coordinated to their devs all down

To make sure their takehome pay

Was aligned across the industry

And the worker got no say

Then he built warehouses

All across the land

Where you had to work your most

And each break was timed

If you took to long you would be toast

So to ensure your alacrity

We quietly do recommend 

You use a jar for your -

Amazon.com

Swamp Castle - Unfood

Freight is trapped on a ship designed for weight loss and while he can eat illusionary food to pass the time, his body needs a minimum caloric intake to survive.  Body horror and definite trigger warning as he does what it takes to survive.  Author's commentary and series conclusion the week after this.

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Considering

 That moment when you are 9000 words from finishing the first of a five book series (and it is your best to date) but you are still and 8 out of 10 writer vs 9 out of 10 poet...

And that every minute you write Armor of Stone you could be writing the Queen in Blue....

Swamp Castle - Dietötungderkünstlermachtdasglücklichekleinebäumemitdemglücklichenkleinenschnurrbartenstein

Franz tells his younger self to kill a Time Traveling Goebels who is going to hire him in the future.  Franz does this but his problems only start then.  

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[Script] Grenademan Vs The Zombies - Act 1, Scene 3

 Scene 3 

Back at the bunker, Ashley and Kevin enter the stage with Doc, Barbara and Smite.

Kevin: Hey Doc, we got here as soon as we could.

Ashley: What’s up?

(beat) Everyone looks at Ashley in an awkward silence.

Doc: Anyway…yeah, we might have all done something really dumb.

Kevin: Define dumb.

Doc: Jarvi might have learned to do some real magic.

Kevin: Seriously? This isn’t a practical joke is it?

Barbara: (Motioning to the dead bodies) Does this LOOK like a joke?

Ashley: Jesus, they smell.

Smite: Dead bodies tend to do that.

Doc: Right, so real magic might mean Jarvi was serious about the Zombie apocalypse

Smite: I don’t get you.

Kevin: Dude, remember, Jarvi is insane.

Ashley: And creepy.  Do you remember the way he stared at me at game night?

Doc: We’re getting off track.

Kevin: Maybe we should have invested in his start up. That’s really what this is about.

Barbara: Fuck that little fuck.  Some of us don’t have disposable income like that.

Smite: I know I don’t.

Doc: We’re getting off track.

Kevin: Define ‘on track’ in a situation like this Doc?

[Script] Grenademan Vs the Zombies - Act 1, Scene 2

 Grenademan is in the void, blank between worlds.

Narrator: (Off State) Between the worlds came a champion.  Jarvi didn’t know it yet, but he was enlisted in a powerful proxy contest between two great powers, Order and Chaos, gaming against each other from world to world and age to age.

Order: Frank Noble, you have agreed to be my champion.

Grenademan: I DO NOT KNOW WHO THIS FRANK IS OF WHOM YOU SPEAK.

Order: I can literally read your mind, your ‘secret identity’ is meaningless to me.  I have a destination for you.

Grenademan: WHERE ARE THE FORCES OF EVIL THAT I MIGHT SMITE THEM.

Order: Forces of Chaos in this case are indeed quite evil by your standards.  Your mission is to protect the humans known as the Band of the Orc’s heads; peers in their own game group who have wagered life and death with each other in the old way.  My brother and I approve.

Grenadman: I SHALL STOP THE FORCES OF EVIL FROM SMITING THESE MIGHTY HEROES.

Order: See that you do…(voice fades) See that you do.

Swamp Castle - Curse Breaker

A young woman helps her father build air rifles that will end the curse planted by fire mages that makes guns illegal.

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[Script] Grenademan Vs the Zombies - Act 1, Scene 1 - Continued

 Doc: That’s not the point.

Jarvi: What is the point then?

Doc: You dug up a bunch of dead bodies and laid them out on my property.

Jarvi: I did NOT dig up-

Smite: Come off it.

Jarvi: Pay up.  

Doc: Did they get into the bunker?

Jarvi: No.

Doc: Then I don’t see what there is to talk about.  He picks up the phone and says, “You guys won’t believe what Jarvi did.”

Jarvi: I can’t believe you think I just dug them up.

Smite: Jarvi, you would do ANYTHING to prove you’re right.

Jarvi: I AM right.

Smite: No you aren’t.

Doc: (on phone) Yeah, the whole hill is covered with bodies.

Barbara: I can’t believe you did this to my aunt.

Jarvi: I didn’t DO anything to her, she was just there when I cast the spell.

Smite: Shut up

Jarvi: Make me.  Come over here and make me, assault.

Smite: I will piglet.

Jarvi’s eyes glow and he floats up into the air a moment as wind rushes the stage.

Jarvi: You and what army.  

Smite: You think I’m intimidated by a wire and a few cheap tricks? 

Doc: Now….hold on a second here Smite.

Smite: Double or nothing.

Jarvi: What?

Smite: You heard me, DOUBLE OR NOTHING.  You say we can’t survive the zombie apocalypse? Double or nothing.

Jarvi: I accept

Barbs: Now wait just a second.

Doc: Stop this Jarvi.  Right now.

Jarvi: Do you all accept?

Doc: I do.

Smite: I do

Barbs: What are you all talking about? (picks up the phone) Hello police?

Doc (on the phone) You guys agree as well? (beat) Yeah, they’re in.  Now cut the crap Jarvi.

Jarvi: Your terms are…accepted.

Lights dim.

Jarvi leaves.

Lights go up.

There is silence from the group.  (Beat)

Doc: (On the phone) You guys better get down here….

[Script[ Grenademan Vs the Zombies - Act 1, Scene 1 Continued

 Doc, Barb and Smite emerge from the bunker.

Doc: That was refreshing

Smite: Nothing like a good night’s sleep

Barb: The damn song is stuck in my head

Smite: Sorry not sorry

Jarvi: How in the hell could you people ignore the pounding on the door?

Doc: Very carefully with ear plugs (beat).. what the fuck is this?

Smite: Pretty nice fx but not worth the budget

Barb: Is...is that my AUNT?

Doc: (checks a body) You dug up REAL dead bodies Jarvi? We need to call the police

Jarvi: I didn't dig up anything I used real magic

Smite: Yeah right

Jarvi: Want me to prove it doughboy?

Doc: Calm down, Jarvi no one is calling you a liar but the dead bodies are a step too far

Jarvi: Where else am I supposed to get real zombies from?

Swamp Castle - Mr Hamburger

Ham didnt understand why he was being tried thousands of years in the future for eating a hamburger.  He was some kind of symbol and the penalty for failure was death.  Only the trial in this case was more bizarre and personal than he could imagine.

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[Script] Grenademan Vs The Zombies - Act 1, Scene 1

 Scene: A large bunker door is built into the side of a hill.  JARVI shows up at the edge and begins chanting.

Voice Over:  Like most things surrounding an apocalyptic event, the world ended on a bet.  Funny thing about wagers though.  To some, a wager is as serious as a riddle.  Humans spin oaths, wagers and random riddles about like they are nothing.  But there are older beings and older powers that take such things immensely seriously.

Jarvi: You said that you could survive a zombie apocalypse.  You said put or shut up.  Well, now you’ll all see!

Jarvi begins chanting and there is thunder and lightning and the undead arrive on the stage and wander to the door.

Jarvi: $2000 you said Doc.  You showed me your little bunker and offered me an out saying I’d have to prove that you couldn’t.  Well I am.  With ACTUAL ZOMBIES! 

Zombie begin to pound on the door.

Jarvi pulls out a Napkin and reads, “Be it hereby witnessed by the undersigned that The Band of the Grey Orc’s Head does wager Jarmos Almandine that within 30 days they can construct a shelter of sufficient strength to survive a Zombie Apocalypse.   The wager shall consist of $2000.  Judgment shall be rendered on impartial evidence alone without speculation.”

Jarvi: You want evidence Doc? I’ll give you EVIDENCE.

(beat, Zombies pound)

Jarvi: What they actual fuck? How can they not be freaked out right now?  

Cautiously, Jarvi goes up to the door and listens as the Zombies part for him.

Here’s the story

Of a Lovely Lady

That was bringing up 

Three very lovely girls…

Jarvi: TELEVISION?  You think you can ignore me so easily! Minions, take out that generator.  Take out the wires and the batteries on their little bunker.  We’ll see how well they weather the madness of actual madness IN THE DARK.

Zombies move to obey.

Jarvi: That should teach them.  Wait, what time is it.  No, it CANT be near sunlight already! No! NONONONONONO!

The sun rises, the zombies collapse around the bunker door.