[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 16

 

Grenademan, Galahad and Lancelot enter

William

Welcome grail seekers, to the unpronounceable cave.

Grenademan

BILL?

William

No, William, I’m Bill’s twin brother.  Common misconception.

Galahad

What is the unpronounceable cave?

William

Unpronounceable?

Galahad

What?

William

The cave.

Galahad

What about the cave?

William

It’s unpronounceable.  Sharp one, your friend I see.

Lancelot

That’s my son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yes, we all know.

Gredademan

WE SEEK THE HOLY GRAIL.

William

Then please select any grail you choose.

(Stagelights show several coffee mugs, tumblers, slurpy cups, medieval style cups. Merlin steps in, no one seems to notice.)

Merlin

One for every cycle of the loop.  You will never get it.

Grenademan 

AM I ALLOWED TO USE SCIENCE?

William

I...don’t think it is against the rules.

Grenademan

(pulls out a metal detector and begins running it up around the cups)

THE GRAIL ORIGINALLY CAUGHT THE CUP OF CHRIST, DID IT NOT

Lancelot

That’s correct, Grenademan.

Grenademan

THEN IT IS ONE OF THESE THREE.  (He points to three cups)

Merlin

It is a lucky thing for us all that loop #47 was a Vampire in King Arthur’s Court and #666 was a Serial Killer in King Arthur’s court.

Grenademan

WHAT KIND OF BLOODTYPE WAS JESUS?

Lancelot

What is a blood type?

Grenademan

IT IS WHAT LETS SOMEONE DONATE TO OTHERS OR RECEIVE BLOOD FROM OTHERS.  

Lancelot

What kinds are there?

Grenademan

A, B, AB, AND O.  THERE IS ALSO A POSITIVE AND A NEGATIVE.  THEY GO FROM O NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE UNIVERAL DONOR TO AB NEGATIVE WHICH IS THE RAREST OF ALL.

Galahad

Christ would have the rarest blood of all.

Lancelot

He would be this...O Negative.

Grenademan

WHY DO YOU THINK SO?

Lancelot

Christ gave.  That is what he did.

Grenademan

(waves the metal detector) THIS ONE HAS O NEGATIVE.

Lancelot 

(moves to take the grail, almost takes it and then looks at Grenademan and Galahad and sighs)

After you son.

Galahad

But I don’t think Christ would have common blood.  He was the king of kings.  What kind do kings have?

Lancelot

Just take the bloody grail!

Galahad

But…

Lancelot

Do it.

Galahad takes the cup.  LIght shines around him and there is choral singing.

Merlin

No! NO!

William

You have chosen….correctly.

Grenademan

BUT NOT WISELY

William

I would not call any of you….wise.

Galahad

This is too easy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

Where is the fire breathing dragon? Where is the is the angel with a fiery sword? That’s not how this is supposed to work.

William

Do you need the grail?

Lancelot

Desperately.  Arthur is cursed and thus so too is the land.

William

Then take it.

Galahad

No.  (puts the grail back)  This is not worthy.

William

Excuse me?

Galahad

This task is not worthy of me.

William

You are telling God that his task is not worthy of you?

Galahad 

I refuse to believe this is God’s task.

Lancelot (Looking at Grenademan)

Don’t look at me, I’m a sinner.

Grenademan

I DO SEEM TO RECALL THAT REDEMPTION IS SOMETHING THAT IS THEMATICALLY APPROPRIATE FOR THIS PARTICULAR DEIFIC OCCASION.

Lancelot

I’m not worthy.  You take it.

Grenademan

I WILL IF YOU WONT, BUT I THINK YOU SHOULD.

Lancelot trembling takes the cup.  The same angelic choir and lights resume.

William

You have chosen... the same thing.

Grenademan

BUT I THINK MORE APPROPRIATELY.

William

Agreed.

Lancelot kneels and then clasps the grail, gratefully.

Merlin

Fuck. (beat) Fuckfuckfuck.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 15

 Grenademan Galahad and Lancelot are in front of a cave.  There is a Rock with Rabbit ears on it.

Lancelot

What is it?

Grenademan

I BELIEVE IT IS A ROCK.

Lancelot

Why are there rabbit ears on it?

GRENADEMAN

I AM UNSURE.

Galahad

It looks terrifying.

Lancelot

It’s a rock.  (beat) With rabbit ears on it.

Grenademan

SHOULD I BLOW IT UP?

Lancelot

Does it look evil?

Grenademan studies the rock, far longer than should be necessary.  He goes over and looks at the rock from all sides.

Grenademan

NO.  THIS ROCK DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE A MEMBER OF THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Galahad

I think it looks evil.

Lancelot

You have very poor judgement, son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yaddah Yaddah Yaddah.

Galahad

What?

Lancelot

Let’s go inside.  (Walks past the rock into the cave)

Grenademan studies the rock, one more time and then walks past it.

Galahad stares at the rock, shudders and then walks around it with as wide a path as the cave will allow.  He enters the cave.

A pair of evil looking eyes open on the rock and evil laughter starts.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 14

 Grenademan and Lancelot and Galahad are with Bill the Enchanter looking at a map, Grenademan is talking to Bill, Galahad and Lancelot do not look happy.

There is a faint ringing sound off stage, loud enough to be heard by the audience but not loud enough to annoy them.

Lancelot (mouths but does not say)

What?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

What did you say?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

I can’t hear you

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

Speak up

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Grenademan shakes Bill’s hand and the three heroes leave off stage.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 13

 Galahad, Grenademan and Lancelot are all looking at a fold out map.

Grenademan

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO BACK AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS AGAIN.

Galahad

I know where we’re going.  I have a natural sense of direction.

Lancelot

I refuse to spend another second in the presence of Bill the Enchanter.  He’s the one that got us lost in the Disenfranchished Forest

Trees (Off stage, whispering)

Democracy should be the basis of constitutional government

If you must have an aquatic ceremony for the transfer of power it should be with choreographed swimming

A parody of a parody is not as sharp as the original.

Grenademan

I COULD CLEAR AWAY THE TREES WITH GRENADES.

Galahad

Have you ever gotten a really bad splinter before? I don’t think so.

Lancelot

My son has a point, paper cuts are nothing to jest at.

Trees

You probably don’t have enough grenades.

Why not give up and stop trying to find the grail?

This will all end in tears.

Galahad

I am a man, I don’t cry.

Trees

Real men eat Quiche.

Don’t bottle your feelings up inside unless you are opening a franchise

What does that even mean?  That made no sense

I’m trying to go for a sort of ironic sarcasm

Well it didn’t work

Can we focus here please?

Grenadman

ARE YOU SURE I CAN’T BLOW THEM UP? THEY SEEM TO BE WORKING FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL

Trees

More like the forces of sarcasm

The forces of ennui in an inherently entropic universe

I welcome death, maybe I”ll come back as an iguana

Lancelot

You know what? Have at it buddy.

Grenademan

TALLYHO!!!  (Grenademan blows up trees)

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 12

Lancelot, Galahad and Grenademan ride into a clearing.  

Bill the enchanter enters looking quite hung over.

Grenademan

THIS IS THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR QUEST.

Lancelot

How do you know?

Grenademan

The Movie told me.

Lancelot

What is a movie?  You know what, don’t answer that question.

Bill

Ow.  Must you all be so loud.  (pours a hangover cure, and drinks it)

Grenademan

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

Bill

Not surprised.  Are you here to seek the grail?

Lancelot

We are.  Do you know where to find it?

Bill

I actually do.  (takes out a fold out map and shows Lancelot) You go that way, turn left, go about 12 miles and take a left.  There will be a large cave with some runes that say ‘Grail here’ and you can't miss it.

Lancelot

Thank you, very helpful

Galahad

That’s...it?

Bill

Excuse me?

Galahad

No riddles? No special tasks? Nothing?

Bill

I’ve got a hell of a hangover.  Sorry, I'm not in the mood, I can find a riddle book if you like.

Grenademan

IS YOUR NAME TIM?

Bill

I’m Tim’s understudy.  Tim is on vacay.

Grenademan

WHERE?

Bill

Albuquerque, lovely this time of year.

Lancelot

Where? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

Galahad

I feel cheated.

Grenademan

I HEAR ALBUQUERQUE IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.

Bill

Not really.  Assuming you can even get there, what with the left turns and all, its blistering hot and full of scorpions.

Lancelot

Let us ride!

Grenademan

TALLYHO

Galahad

This is terribly anti-climatic.

Goodreads Giveaway

 Sent.  But I have a spare book, so to anyone actually reading my blog that didnt get one but wants "Have Name, Will Travel" email redanvilcreative@gmail.com w your name and address and the first two will get a copy.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 11

 Scene 11

Morgana

Good evening people, may I have your attention? 

(Beat)

Good.  Great changes are happening.

(beat)

Do you care about them?  Do you want change?

(beat)

I am supposed to be championing the status quo, do you know the status quo?

(beat)

Its an argument of blood and bone, fate and free will isnt it? Round and round like ants in an ant farm.  Order? Chaos? What does it matter if you get looped again and again?

(beat)

Do you imagine a savior will fall from the sky that isn't already on the board? Arthur is too lost in his own shame.  Lancelot is stained.  Gallahad is dumb as a bag of hammers.  Merlin is a pompous windbag.  I’m supposed to champion this cycle, and yes I speak openly about it.  You'll never remember anyway, so why not do so? And yes, I have seen you do it before.  It's not like the hidden plans for Morded’s attack are going to fall out of the sky and be delivered by two mechanical men to a farm boy who teams up with a smuggler and a sky wizard (who isn't a pompous windbag like Merlin) to save the non existent rebellion and make the world or the galaxy a better place?  No idea what I’m talking about?  Of course not, you’re medieval peasants.  But your kids are gonna love it.

(Beat)

Well.  The real medieval peasants kids loved it.  You guys are just fictional echoes aren’t you?  I guess that makes me a fictional echo but I’m more real because I know where I came from.  You’re just extras in the background, and not even featured ones at that.

(Grenademan and Lancelot enter)

Lancelot

It’s the witch!

Grenademan

WHICH WITCH?

Lancelot

Does that nonsense never end with you? Its like you are obliged to do it.  Is some fairy hidden in the bushes paying you money every time you spout gibberish?

Morgana

Lancelot.  Grenademan.

Lancelot

We want nothing to do with you witch.  Begin or we will strike.

Grenademan

I DO NOT BELONG TO A LABOUR UNION.

Morgana

You are a bag of particularly sharp doorknobs aren’t you?

Lancelot

She’s evil!  

Morgana

I’m not going anywhere.  Do you think you can hurt me?

Grenademan

TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL!  (throws grenade)

Morgana

(casts a spell to move it aside)

I don’t have time for this.

(Lights Dim)

Morgana Leaves

(Lights Go Up)

Lancelot

I hate it when she does that.

Grenademan

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Sir Galahad (Offstage)

CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Lancelot

Oh fuck.

Grenademan

WHY IS THAT KNIGHT ATTEMPTING TO CHARGE THE CAR?

Lancelot

Congrations Grenademan, you’ve found your grail finder.  This is Sir Galahad, the pure.

Sir Galahad

(Comes on stage and takes out his sword and begins to hack at the car.  Steam should come out and if possible harmless but physical pieces should come out into the audience to simulate the sheer wantonly ignorant destruction and rage as he beats a dead horseess carriage) Have at thee! Die foul dragon! Beast from hell! I shall slay thee! Smite thee in the name of our Lord God the chaste and pure Jesus of Nazath die foul thing of satan I shall smite at thee and thou shalt die

Grenademan

IT WAS NEVER ALIVE.

Sir Galahad

Neverborn dragon! Technological abomination! I smite thee! (Continues to whack at the car)

Grenademan

I CAN FIX IT.

Sir Galahad

None shall save this wicked beast.

Sir Lancelot

Galahad, Grenademan.  Grenademan, my son (Lancelot air quotes) Galahad.

Sir Galahad

(stops whacking at the car and points a finger at Lancelot)

Noooooooo! You’re not my father.

Sir Lancelot

Join me, and together we can find the holy grail.

Sir Galahad

Never! I’ll never join your side.

Sir Lancelot 

(To Grenademan) 

Finds the holy grail you say?

Grenademan

THAT’S THE SCRIPT.

Sir Lancelot

I think we’ll need to flip that.