Tuesday, December 5, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Engine

You know that this holiday is more than the misplace birthday

Of the Dessert Messiah

Right?

When you continue to celebrate

An appropriated pagan holiday

For centuries

It seeps into the DNA of your story

And the Thane of Christmas Lore is born

Feudal Vassal to the Architect of Stories

He is both the ultimate sage on what is

Or isnt

A christmas story

He is the predelictated master of every tale thereof

An endless field in swaying grass

Of every perfect snowflake in hoary frosted fields

Sings around a tinsel wrapped tower 

That seems to blot out the sun for its shiny immense height

He sits there on a throne

Telling tales for fascinated pilgrims from dawn to dusk

A library of every christmas tale

Pest Present or Future

Galls every nook and cranny of these hallowed minty halls

The miasma of mistletoe holly and poinsettia

Waft the nostrils and symphony the senses

He sits on his Candy Cane throne and speaks

Of Christmas miracles in this 

Or any other reality

Understanding the mix of nightmare and beauty

Of sadness and joy

Of banality and miracle

His is a power to be reckoned with

As his demense belies his own

Everywhere the Christmas lights may glow

Electric Fire or Otherwise

Stay a while

Grab a cup of hot cocoa

And Listen

Monday, December 4, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - July

Hooah! This aint no nightmare rookie

This is cold hard stabulality knifing you in the eye

People who say the American Empire is dying

Didnt see our troops mounting Operation Foui Gras 

Where we infiltrated that Valley of Holiday Doors

And gave santa a much needed rest...in Guantanamo

The boys of Wall Street finally caught on

To this free toys nonsense

And we are establishing a good old fashioned Hollyberry Republic (instead of Banana)

With a corporate constitution

Good little boys and girls can get toys

By getting a Prime Subscription 

Like everyone else

Meanwhile the coal isnt being wasted on naughty girls and boys

Redirected to Manchin's West Virginia power plants

Deck the halls with the US flag

Because The North Pole is now

A non voting observer at the United Nations

Sunday, December 3, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Carol [nsfw]

She loved a man

She knew qas too good for her

And every day pined from afar

And one day could take it no more

Amd cried alne by herself at a diner

A nice man who called himself Magnar

Listen to her problems

And then said such nice calm things

And she relaxed

And she focused

And she was a good girl

And smiled

And giggled

And went for a little nap

And Mistletoe came out to play

She was a girl who knew her worth

And hot hot she was 

And how sexy she was

And she had a week to prove her point

So she went shopping

And went into work that day

And every eye in the place

Wanted to fucked her 

Or to be her

And the man of her dreams

Finally began to pay attention

But the problem was

Now that she knew her own worth

He just wasnt that interesting any more

Oops

But she didnt want to leave Carol out on the cold

She proved to her just how good a girl she could he

When Carol woke up

She found put a few things

An entire wardrobe of clothes

Paid for by men who would do anything for her

If she told them what yo do

And tied them up 

And made them feel special

Including the boy who desperately wanted her

On a waiting list for her services

Carol was horrified at first

But her fingers slid slowly down

Between

Her legs

She found

She lind of liked it

A lot.

Saturday, December 2, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Snowbell

People think cats are indifferent to their humans

But its a careful lie

They dont want us getting too arrogant

They dimply teach us what they perceive as divine eisdom

So when Snowbell

Got scared at the gas station

And ran out

The family was 500 miles away

Before panic set in

Snowbell was invisible in the snow

And cold

And terrified

Looking for her family

A week passed

And she was placed in a shelter

The clock was ticking

All seemed lost

When a bat came through the skylight

And talked to them

Every single one got a home

Snowbell was last

The hardest to find

And late on Christmas eve

A doorbell was rung

And as the snow fell

A grateful family embraced

 their long lost owner 

Only Snowbell heard the flapping of batwings

And reindeer hooves

Up in the sky

Up in the deep whir sky

Friday, December 1, 2023

[Poem] The First God of Christmas

by Emmit Other

The God of Christmas
Isnt Who You think
Amd every present 
That you wrap
Gives him a sippy drink
Who you ask?
Quite a simple task
Old ringed Saturn
God of Time
Takes your spirit most sublime
And sips it in like fine fine wine
So go be merry
Get to work
Insane shopping 
So he takes a schlurk
Oh so jolly
The saint that aint
Giveth presents
Like a thing that aint
Eyes aglow
Inside the fire
Milk and Cookies 
His hungry desire
Takes your offering
And leaves a present
You think you gave it
Isnt that pleasant
No burden of worship
The rest of the year
You steal his holiday
He steals right back and wont shed a tear.

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Slarg's Christmas Wish

The nicest werewolf

With a  rage of 10 you ever met

Too stupid to be mean

This Ahroun Shadowlord stereotype

Thinks it is a genetically modified dog

Who works for Jeebers Mcjosephat 

The second most powerful vampire in Oklahoma

Templated personality wise

More on the Tasmanian Devil 

Than perfect hair at Trader Vik's

He found the taste of elves

To minty fresh

4 out of 5 dentists who chew screaming elves

Recommend Dentine to clean out the gums

Merry Christmas Slarg

Merry Christmas



https://preview.drivethrurpg.com/en/product/80518/red-anvil-podcast-archive-slarg-s-christmas-wish

Thursday, November 30, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Pericuolo Narr

An anarch vampire turned just prior to the Treaty of Thorns

He fought with the underdog and against Empire

Against small evil for centuries

Always on the side of Liberty

He spotted a zip tied Santa 

And cut him free with a rip of Gangrel claws

But they still had Santas magic bag

Distributing bags of blood

To all the naughty Sabbat vampires

So he took this new fangled Hot Air Balloon

And poured gallons of whale oil on the barn

And lit the  match

And enjoyed a nice toasty Christmas bonfire

While a horrified Santa looks on

Peri always got to pick on house 

That Santa visited every Christmas without fail

Worthy or not, believing or not

So far he has 'Saved Christmas' 237 times

And he intende

To do it 237 more.