[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Cocks

Chris Cocks is the CEO of Hasbro

And lives up to his name

Every year the retailer prepares for Christmas

Foie Geasing with Christmas Decorations and Christmas cheer

A fat dumb happy consumer they can plug

The proverbial Christmas goose

But like every gross filth nillionare

Christmas Cocks has killed the goose that laid the golden egg

Reaganizing the economy Black Rock style

Until there is no more gold to give

But still they try

Fracking our pickets with digitized microtsrgetsd ads

A synchronized panorama of stories 

Lazy workers, Quiet Quitting and Covidflation

When it has always been filth nillionares with their hands in our pockets

They take but they do not give

That is a parasitic relationship

There is no nobles oblige with the new robber barons

There is no symbiosis

They lay people off during the very holiday 

During the very height of cheer they hope to exploit

Christmas Cocks already tried to steal my Inglemia

Christmas Cocks tries to ruin the Dnd Ecosphere

Now Christmas Cocks the Cock walks the walk

And joins Amazon and Spotify 

Sipping bitter employee tears in a champaign flute

If you spend money on Amazon or Spotify or Hasbro this year

Especially after you read this

You sre raising a toast in Christmas Cocks' Cock party

Sipping tears and urinating on Santa

Drink up buttercup

Or

Or

Or

Grab a pitchfork and torch

Come and Follow Me.

And kill the Beast of Capitalism.

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Satanic Iowa

Somewhere deep down in the Cornhole State

Whose capital city is Ohio or Colombia or I forget

Where they wont vote for you 

Unless you have a Butter Popsicle or Pork Chop on a stick

(Originally invented to get the dog to play with Ugly Tim)

There is in the real honest to goodness world

A legit wide eyed janitor

Power cleaning the floor with Christmas Carols blaring

Over the State Capital PA

At 3am in the morning

Where he drops bis mop

And stares at the human skull and candles

Put there by the Satanic Temple

Because Christian Nationalists 

Just had to put religious shit 

On the Public Square

These heroes of secularism and satan

Do more to save use from Cnazis than Taylor Swift

So when you drink your eggnog

Raise your glass 

To the poor janitor

Who just sighed

Shook his head

And moved on

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Santa's Blavk Bag [nsfw]

There is naughty

And then there is naughty in a good way

Santa has many bags

Contrary to popular belief

But the black bag in the hidden vault

Is saved for the very special toys

For very special boys and girls

All of which are tested

Year round first on Mrs Clause

And then a veritable elf harem

Where Santa's Little Helper 

Is helped to get gallons and gallons

Of special Christmas frosting

After the normal journey is through

The rubberized reindeer

And the stealth sleigh 

Travel the world

Giving magical sex toys

To those who deserve them

Stopping occasionally

For the right party

That has a lot more to offer Santa

Than milk and cookies

Dont write an x rated lette via USPS

Write it in the dongeon

And give it to your Dungeon Master

And I dont mean

Fireball does 6d6 

If you get

What I mean

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Sugar Ants

Ants kove sugar, OK?

Thats a given but for ecologies to work

Something has to fill vital and oft overlooked rolls

What happens to tru ks dropped in the Candy Cane forest?

Sugar ants

Ants made of sugar and covered in chocolate

They consume sugar

And are  a natural pest in the Elf world

When they swarm whole crops can be lost

Only consumed by the ant eating Penguin

Found only in The North Poll

Bred specifically from South pole stock

They will fuck up your picnic

Man

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Elf Street Knife Fight

Suburbia is what many consider normal

Leave it to Beaver Andy Griffith Audry from Little Shop of Horrors

Civilization Six has the Chutzpah to call

The Neighborhood an Advancement of Civilization

Rather than a Blight and Carbon Killer

But for good or ill

Its most peoples definition

of 

Normal.

Every year Emerald Oaks had a conflict of kitschy

A rumble of the remedial

Where everyone tried to cover ever square foot of their yard

With inflatable Christmas vomit

Keeping up with the Joneses

At night it was undeniably pretty in the electric wonderland

By day it was the Vomitorium of Used Car Dealerships

Cars drove up in huge numbers to see the homes

Carbon slowly killing those fucking elves

Who didnt give me that toy I wanted last year

Die elves die

Anyway...

Until now Old Man Withers had kept to his house

Lights off shades drawn

Not so much Grinch as Misanthrope

But two things changed in 2023

One, Bob Cratcheti, had an easement on his property by an inch

Two  he had to stop taking his meds for his heart

So Mr Withers had a tendency to....

 Take things to extremes

The night before the final day of contest judgement

While everyone else was asleep

He drove a wrecking ball

And destroyed his house

And used his years as a contractor

With some help from some friends

Reading the fine print of the rules in the HOA

The only way to have more Kitsch per square foot

Was to add more to the yard

So his five million dollar home

Was replaced by a Tiny Home

And the rest was the International Clearance Yard of Crap

 He had to redo the electrical junction six times

Planes informed the local airport of the navigation hazard

Santa had to put on sunglasses and nearly crashed

(that fucker....)

Mr Withers Won

And then had his house foreclosed by the HOA

For fine after fine after fine

But he was just fine with that

Because he smashed that damn trophy

Carried from year to year

And sent pieces baked into meatloaf

For all his former neighboors

And sailed into the sunset

Until he got eaten by sharks nine years later

The sharks found him gamey and bitter

Very very bitter.

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Family Ties

Before the pernicious family killer

That was Zuckerfuck Fuckbook

People still found analog ways for family feuds

They still found Christmas

The best time of the year to come together

And invent reasons to hate each other

Oh yes

The magick of Christmas laquers and liquors this friction

But it also super turbines it

I have seen parents rift children

And siblings split in twain

All for some tinsel

And some religious bigots refrain

Heed my warning ye who harken

This a time of year

Where blood can spill with loved ones

More than merry cheer

Take herd my friend

And remember who you love

Else your next Christmas may be alone

Your hopes snuffed out by an assassin's leather glove

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Honorable Ancestors

Do you really think it a coincidence

That the story that started it all

Involved Christmas ghosts?

Before Christmas, before Mithras, before Saturnalia

We saw the stars and marked them

With no mote than sticks and caves and fire

They could still count the days

Notch them and mark them

And celebrate and fear the darkest night

Before all Hallows eve

There was the Darkest Night

And the great unknown of those we only knew

In Song and Story

All the way back

To Mitochondrial Eve

We are all on family

One blood

One tiny world in an infinity of space trapped light

Reach out 

And touch the cheek of those who came

And know you will join them soon enough

Eat Drink and Be Merry

For The Ghost of Christmas Future comes for all

And be remembered for what you have done

Not what might have been

Not what might have been