[Images of Garage and Happy Google]
VO: Once upon a time, two friends started a little company in a garage, but they wisely learned the lessons of technology companies in the past and made a simple motto, “Don’t Be Evil.” They had a simple idea, figure out how to rank web results by when people made hyperlinks. And it worked. Before, the internet was basically a card catalog (like Yahoo) and they made the worlds first search engine. And the company had a simple way to make money; just charge for ads based on the results. For a long time, the company grew and grew and they had tons of cool ideas and offered lots of free things like email, and documents, and phone calls, and chat bots and on and on and on; so much so that people loved it and used it. Sure, google took tat data and used it to improve their search engines, but they were the good guys, so it was OK. And google grew more, and more and more and offered more cool ideas like balloons that let people talk to each other, and super intelligent AI to help make their search engines work and self driving cars. Google called these crazy projects moonshots, and it was built right into the company charter that they could do that, and eventually the two friends got bored, got another CEO and walked away to live happily ever after doing cool things like building flying cars.
[Images of Sundar Pichai]
VO: But the company was still around. And it was making a lot of money. Someone had to run it. Along comes Sundar Pichai, who has a slightly different vision; call him crazy, but he decided that a company designed to make money organizing the world’s data, was going to make a lot of money. And oh GOD, did they make a lot of money. First, Google made the android phone which became much more popular than Apple, and they gave it away for free. Of course, to use it, you had pay google for services that were more and more mandatory and eventually if you wanted to do ANYTHING on the opensource apple phone, you had to pay Google.
[Images of the EU and android, Dont be Evil covered with a little slime]
VO: So there were some lawsuits from the EU which doesnt have anti trust that is quite as pathetic as the US. And then Google had someone steal a lot of their self driving code, but they made a nice side deal with Uber to get that back and kept working on it slowly but surely. They might have used their lawyers a little aggressively to get ahead, but hey, they were still the cool company right?
[Images of Apple Company Store, Don’t be evil has a bit more slime]
VO: They thought apple had a good thing going on and so they charged the developers some money as well, for thirty percent, there’s a lawsuit about that.
[Images of Sex Managers and other things with Dont Be eventually blotted out with slime]
VO: Then there were some complaints about sexual harassment and the company made that go away. And then they were involved in anti union activities and illegal collusion with other companies to fuck over their pay rate. And then they entered into a duopoly with the most evil company in the world on Advertising where they had a symbiotic relationship. And in 2020 they were accused also of being involved with the Xinjiang region but Google assures you that is a nice liberal company even though in 2018 they formally removed that pesky ‘Dont be Evil’.
[Images of Sex Robots]
VO: Google is among the most intelligent companies in the world at AI research. Recently, they fired a researcher who spoke up about unethical google behavior, so of course the company fired her. There were protests from the employees, but gone were the days of the open collaboration between employees and management. Old habits die hard and Google is now looking at doing business with China and the US military. Now that Alphabet doesnt have to worry about its brand due to its monopoly power and thorough bribery on congress, they can do what they want, which is acquire as much data as possible with as little accountability as possible. But hey, remember when they used to be cool? Remember all that free stuff they gave you? Trust them.
Google.
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