Wednesday, December 27, 2023


"I have just beem informed that that asshole  Rhombus Ticks has beem plaguarizing mot work on Poetizer...minsult him as often as possible." Emmit Other

"I have just been informed that asshole, Emmit Other has been plagaurizing my work on Pietizer.  Insult me as often as Possible." Rhombus Ticks

Monday, December 25, 2023

[Poem] Bleep Christmas

We live in a time of too much bleep
And we wake this morining and unwrap our bleep
Despite the raging bleep
I choke down some bleep and bleep it away.
So I stumble downstairs for some eggnog
And add the special bleep sauce
And the bleep finally goes away too
Then I look at my terrified families eyes
As they saw me dreal with the bleep and the bleep
"Well enjoy the bleep show you bleeping vleeps!"

Saturday, December 23, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - The End

Someone thought a Banana Peel

On the roof





















The smell didnt really take 

Until April Fools

Thanks to Christmas Magic

They found a dead collocated Santa

In Over a Million Homes










[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - The Horn of Christmas Valere

Ghosts of Christmas Present

Live during the day

They start out vibrant and healthful

And end up salt and pepper Gray

One day is all they get

Spending their whole magic to induce Christmas wonder

They die content

Their essence spent

Then their being is torn Christmas Asunder

So I sent the Far Knight

On quite the Quest

As far and as wide as the Blue Rook Could Go

To Find The Horn of Christmas Valere

And bring it to Terra to Blow

Like the Wheel of Time

It summons the dead

But it brings not the Heroes of the Horn

Instead my friends

It allows Christmas Amends

From the Christmas Ghosts that had been Torn

Now on Christmas Eve Eve

They have a rock tockin good time

To counter the grouches of Festivus

I love that grouch day

But today Good Cheer is the way

In a mass joygasm Christmas jam most sublime.

Friday, December 22, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Liminal Christmas

Christmas is now

Christmas is now

Christmas is now

The Family Guy episode

Where he slams the door

On the modern Mary and Joseph is all true

Be generous

Be kind

Be courageous

Now is the time

Now is always the time

To wake up

And be better.

In the ancient past

Perceiving spiritual beings was the first skill we learned

Channeling was the second

The play's the thing

The Greeks were not the only culture

To believe in the sacred fury of this ritual

Actors channel the spirit of that which they become

Gods or otherwise

Let us channel Christmas all our lives

The spirit of intelligent pragmatic courageous generosity

Feel the Christmas Force flow within you

It binds all Christmas things together

It both guides your actions

And responds to your commands

Be one with the Tinsel.

Christmas is now.

Christmas is living.

Christmas is Loving.

Every culture and tradition

Has some kind of holiday this time of year.

Be kind.



Thats Blockbuster

Be kind.

Just do it.


Be all that you can be.


Be kind.

Dont be a fucking jerk.

Thats it.

Be kind.

Thursday, December 21, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Future Tense

What does the Ghost of Christmas Future fear?

As we drift into the corridors of possible tomorrows

We see empty hallways of silent doom

Whole wings and branches of Humanity's future lie silent

For a being who stretches into every possible future


Every possible future Christmas

There are thousands upon millions

More every day

Of silent Christmases

You cannot Scrooge the Dead

You cannot give more chances

When there are no more Christmases to give

No spirit is all powerful

No matter what the religious say

Every supernatural being has rules that limit them

Without exception

And to terrify and redeem

There must be some redemption to be had

And the Drunk Conductors of Humanity

Want to either decrease the surplus population

With sex clones and robot Butlers

Or increase the population until we are kept Rabbits

But this is Christmas

So we hired Diego Del Fuego's Time Traveling Mariachi Band

To show up once a Christmas in every possible future

Throwing a Christmas Party for the poor dude

Any lingering supernatural beings are invited

Flickering out like stars in the sky

As even the ghosts fade and move on

And the uplifted bears and raccoons cant sustain belief

In worlds where heat death kills everything 

Except Cockroaches Bacteria and Self Breeding Twinkies

So for a few thousand years its a Christmas Jamboree

Gods and Fairies and Santa do egg nog

With the Easter Bunny and Skeleton Jack

But eventually

Its just the Ghost of Christmas Future and Death

And of course Emmit Other

Making Morbid Poems

Until eventually 

Its just Death and an empty tear stained robe

No one left to Scrooge

No one left

Except Death

Who turns the lights out 

Until the Cockroach Men and Ant Men War

Millions of Years Later  

Wednesday, December 20, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Elfloaf

Nice Elf You have there.

Nice Meatloaf you have there.

Two birds.

One stone.

Snitches get stitches.

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Looking Glass

Through the looking glass

Christmas is Yellow and Purple

And everyone gives presents to Santa

The more you give

The more you get

Give a toy

Get a toy

Give an eye

Get a third eye

Give your brother

Get a sister

Elves come from somewhere after all

Santa was a gingerbread man

With all the souls he consumed

So jolly and huge

The hatter and the hare and the Cheshire Cat

All avoid him like the plague

Monday, December 18, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Mupplet Chrismas

December 11 1992

Was the day a Muppet Christmas Carol premiered

A work of wonder care and compassion

But it was more than that

Jim Henson is and was the personification

Of everything Dickens enshrined in A Christmas Carol

Kind  wise and shrewd 

He lived every day of his life as if it were Christmas

But on mAy 16, 1990

That candle was snuffed early and tragically

Many felt that it was the end of the Muppets

Disney had bought them

But it was always with the intent Jim keep on

Brian Henson picked up the torch

And voiced the small green Frog

This movie is proof that Henson's dream lived on

Characters that have lived and loved since

The single most touching moment

In one of the most touching movies of all time

Is when Kermit and Tiny Tim

Scat together with Tim on his shoulder

Walking home the first time

And you see 

What Brian and his father had.

This movie is Christmas

In more ways than one.

Sunday, December 17, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Ed Who

You didn't see it in the book

You didn't see it in the movie

Not even the video game

(Please dont ask)

But one Who was  not smiling 

When he changed bis ways

Made one who was watching

For the rest of their days

For any backsliding

Any at all

And then Edward Who

Would be there for their fall

You see for Ed that Christmas

Was not about something more

But a train you bought at the store

The Markleblat 9000 was shiny and neat

With every accessory it ran twenty feet

Ed knew what that green meanie had done

So when it was legal he purchased  a gun

The cheapest place beyond  the North pole

And Ed didnt care for nice or for coal

He waited at night by bis chimney patrol

Waiting to blow the Grinch away

When the Green ex Grouch passed

(For non but Elves and Robots last)

He stood over the ground an extra six days

Just to make sure he stayed that way

Then at last at last at last

He played with his trains in peace.

The lesson my friend is as simple at this

Learn to forgive or goodbye your life kiss.

Merry Christmas to All

And to all a good night

In spite of this poem

And verbal word blight.

Saturday, December 16, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Did He Really

Jingle Bells

Batman Smells

Batmobile List a wheel

And Joker Got Away

.....Did he?

Did he really?

Or was this all a choreographed plan

So he could find Santa

Get the Magic Bag back

Cut Santa Loose

Ignore Santa's disturbing tent

Vanish into the shadows

Watch the Joker doing bis Christmas Special

Emerge from the shadows right behind him

Cut to technical difficulty

And put the Joker

Back in the Arkham Deck

Where he belongs

Merry Christmas Gotham

Friday, December 15, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Into the Potterverse

The darkest of timelines didnt stay that way

When Clarence thr Angel broke things apart

A work without George Bailey would break your heart

But a world doesnt stop just because the movie does

And this one shit town became a celebrity cause

The Donny Dont for The US of America

The inspiration for a better Colombia

Everything Potter did was made illegal

Capitalism chained by presidential seal

Sometimes bad things happen for good

But that doesnt mean it ever should.

Thursday, December 14, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Cocks

Chris Cocks is the CEO of Hasbro

And lives up to his name

Every year the retailer prepares for Christmas

Foie Geasing with Christmas Decorations and Christmas cheer

A fat dumb happy consumer they can plug

The proverbial Christmas goose

But like every gross filth nillionare

Christmas Cocks has killed the goose that laid the golden egg

Reaganizing the economy Black Rock style

Until there is no more gold to give

But still they try

Fracking our pickets with digitized microtsrgetsd ads

A synchronized panorama of stories 

Lazy workers, Quiet Quitting and Covidflation

When it has always been filth nillionares with their hands in our pockets

They take but they do not give

That is a parasitic relationship

There is no nobles oblige with the new robber barons

There is no symbiosis

They lay people off during the very holiday 

During the very height of cheer they hope to exploit

Christmas Cocks already tried to steal my Inglemia

Christmas Cocks tries to ruin the Dnd Ecosphere

Now Christmas Cocks the Cock walks the walk

And joins Amazon and Spotify 

Sipping bitter employee tears in a champaign flute

If you spend money on Amazon or Spotify or Hasbro this year

Especially after you read this

You sre raising a toast in Christmas Cocks' Cock party

Sipping tears and urinating on Santa

Drink up buttercup




Grab a pitchfork and torch

Come and Follow Me.

And kill the Beast of Capitalism.

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Satanic Iowa

Somewhere deep down in the Cornhole State

Whose capital city is Ohio or Colombia or I forget

Where they wont vote for you 

Unless you have a Butter Popsicle or Pork Chop on a stick

(Originally invented to get the dog to play with Ugly Tim)

There is in the real honest to goodness world

A legit wide eyed janitor

Power cleaning the floor with Christmas Carols blaring

Over the State Capital PA

At 3am in the morning

Where he drops bis mop

And stares at the human skull and candles

Put there by the Satanic Temple

Because Christian Nationalists 

Just had to put religious shit 

On the Public Square

These heroes of secularism and satan

Do more to save use from Cnazis than Taylor Swift

So when you drink your eggnog

Raise your glass 

To the poor janitor

Who just sighed

Shook his head

And moved on

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Santa's Blavk Bag [nsfw]

There is naughty

And then there is naughty in a good way

Santa has many bags

Contrary to popular belief

But the black bag in the hidden vault

Is saved for the very special toys

For very special boys and girls

All of which are tested

Year round first on Mrs Clause

And then a veritable elf harem

Where Santa's Little Helper 

Is helped to get gallons and gallons

Of special Christmas frosting

After the normal journey is through

The rubberized reindeer

And the stealth sleigh 

Travel the world

Giving magical sex toys

To those who deserve them

Stopping occasionally

For the right party

That has a lot more to offer Santa

Than milk and cookies

Dont write an x rated lette via USPS

Write it in the dongeon

And give it to your Dungeon Master

And I dont mean

Fireball does 6d6 

If you get

What I mean

Monday, December 11, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Sugar Ants

Ants kove sugar, OK?

Thats a given but for ecologies to work

Something has to fill vital and oft overlooked rolls

What happens to tru ks dropped in the Candy Cane forest?

Sugar ants

Ants made of sugar and covered in chocolate

They consume sugar

And are  a natural pest in the Elf world

When they swarm whole crops can be lost

Only consumed by the ant eating Penguin

Found only in The North Poll

Bred specifically from South pole stock

They will fuck up your picnic


Sunday, December 10, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Elf Street Knife Fight

Suburbia is what many consider normal

Leave it to Beaver Andy Griffith Audry from Little Shop of Horrors

Civilization Six has the Chutzpah to call

The Neighborhood an Advancement of Civilization

Rather than a Blight and Carbon Killer

But for good or ill

Its most peoples definition



Every year Emerald Oaks had a conflict of kitschy

A rumble of the remedial

Where everyone tried to cover ever square foot of their yard

With inflatable Christmas vomit

Keeping up with the Joneses

At night it was undeniably pretty in the electric wonderland

By day it was the Vomitorium of Used Car Dealerships

Cars drove up in huge numbers to see the homes

Carbon slowly killing those fucking elves

Who didnt give me that toy I wanted last year

Die elves die


Until now Old Man Withers had kept to his house

Lights off shades drawn

Not so much Grinch as Misanthrope

But two things changed in 2023

One, Bob Cratcheti, had an easement on his property by an inch

Two  he had to stop taking his meds for his heart

So Mr Withers had a tendency to....

 Take things to extremes

The night before the final day of contest judgement

While everyone else was asleep

He drove a wrecking ball

And destroyed his house

And used his years as a contractor

With some help from some friends

Reading the fine print of the rules in the HOA

The only way to have more Kitsch per square foot

Was to add more to the yard

So his five million dollar home

Was replaced by a Tiny Home

And the rest was the International Clearance Yard of Crap

 He had to redo the electrical junction six times

Planes informed the local airport of the navigation hazard

Santa had to put on sunglasses and nearly crashed

(that fucker....)

Mr Withers Won

And then had his house foreclosed by the HOA

For fine after fine after fine

But he was just fine with that

Because he smashed that damn trophy

Carried from year to year

And sent pieces baked into meatloaf

For all his former neighboors

And sailed into the sunset

Until he got eaten by sharks nine years later

The sharks found him gamey and bitter

Very very bitter.

Saturday, December 9, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Family Ties

Before the pernicious family killer

That was Zuckerfuck Fuckbook

People still found analog ways for family feuds

They still found Christmas

The best time of the year to come together

And invent reasons to hate each other

Oh yes

The magick of Christmas laquers and liquors this friction

But it also super turbines it

I have seen parents rift children

And siblings split in twain

All for some tinsel

And some religious bigots refrain

Heed my warning ye who harken

This a time of year

Where blood can spill with loved ones

More than merry cheer

Take herd my friend

And remember who you love

Else your next Christmas may be alone

Your hopes snuffed out by an assassin's leather glove

Friday, December 8, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Honorable Ancestors

Do you really think it a coincidence

That the story that started it all

Involved Christmas ghosts?

Before Christmas, before Mithras, before Saturnalia

We saw the stars and marked them

With no mote than sticks and caves and fire

They could still count the days

Notch them and mark them

And celebrate and fear the darkest night

Before all Hallows eve

There was the Darkest Night

And the great unknown of those we only knew

In Song and Story

All the way back

To Mitochondrial Eve

We are all on family

One blood

One tiny world in an infinity of space trapped light

Reach out 

And touch the cheek of those who came

And know you will join them soon enough

Eat Drink and Be Merry

For The Ghost of Christmas Future comes for all

And be remembered for what you have done

Not what might have been

Not what might have been

Thursday, December 7, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Bus Full of Orphans


Pericuolo Narr turned into a human

And saw a bus full of Orphans

That was surrounded on four sides

Dangling on the bridge pinned in

By men with mirrorshades and machine guns

And four plucky idiots with slingshots

Who were holding their own

Six x of the guys with mirror shades

Were acting like  they were on LSD

It was Christmas Eve

Where the fuck were the cops?

It was a slow attention

One of the kids was wounded

In swoops Peri

Obfuscated lile the City Gangrel he is

And he bites one of the mirror shades

And coleslaws two more with celerity

They aim their fire at him

And he turns to mist and obfuscated

They are looking outward now not inward

Peri bides his time

While the mirror shades panic

And the kids use more LSD

Peri attacks again and again

Eventually Peti thinks the coos are coming

Only for a helicopter full of Iteration X cyborgs to swoop in


Then Peri remembers its fucking Christmas Eve

Santa owes him a favor

Peti makes a call

The cyborgs see him 

And can shoot the mist with incendiary rounds


And he thinks its over

Only like a fucking comet

The mage changeling swoops down from the sky

And a pillar of sunlight

Turns the cyborgs to lightning slag

And strangely doesnt burn him

The mirrorshades flee

And the kids 

Changelings all 

Are talen somewhere safe


To his eternal amusement is owed another favor 

Turns out there was an arch duke on the bus

A nine year old arch duke


Eye toll

Wednesday, December 6, 2023

[Poem] Dead White Horse Redux

 by Emmit Other

Came a wind and a whisper

Any prophet worth his salt

Would know the time was now

The constitution hung by a thread

The Republicans wer in disarray

The Prophet of the Latter Day saints could have raised his hand

And told the LDS members of the GOP caucus

To side with the Democrats

Save Ukraine

Same America

Change parties


They didnt

Not the Prophet

Not Mitt Romney

Not any Romney

Not a one

A family more tied to the political destiny of this nation

Than any other LDS family in history

And not one has saved this country

Not even close

Nor saved the constitution

Not even close


I hear tell

That the church paid money to a woman

To keep quiet about sexual harassment

You can buy anything in this world

With money

Ask a Saint

Ask any saint

They will tell you

You can buy anything in Satan's world with money

The church sure took that to heart

So heed this prophesy 

And heed it well

For it shall come to pass

No matter which way the winds blow

And the saints shall learn

That those with whom they ally themselves

Those of the Right

Those of the Reich

Those of the Rally

Are not their allies

And that they wish them harm

And that of the saints that serve Maga

Half are loyal to the Prophet

And Half are Loyal to Maga

And when the moment of mistruth comes

And the LDS Prophet does steer the saints

Even a molecule to the left

Blood shall flow

And one saint shall slay another

And neither side shall win

For both are losers

And already lost

And already lost


[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Festivus

It started as a joke

About an aluminum pole

And then they took that pole

And jammed it the gullet

Of the Tree Virus

That saw Christmas decorations on Labor Day

That saw religious entitled nazis

Think that everyone had to worship as they do

Like silver to werewolves

Aluminum has  become the cross to war Christmas Monsters

It sears their flesh and makes them cringe

It forces them to see the doublethink

That lets them believe in a God wbo is Mercy

Whilst worshipping an Orange Turd Bucket

Its a long month

Very long for those who are offended by religion in general

This oasis of fun in Vomit Green and Blood Red

Is a welcome respite from the storm

Tuesday, December 5, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Christmas Engine

You know that this holiday is more than the misplace birthday

Of the Dessert Messiah


When you continue to celebrate

An appropriated pagan holiday

For centuries

It seeps into the DNA of your story

And the Thane of Christmas Lore is born

Feudal Vassal to the Architect of Stories

He is both the ultimate sage on what is

Or isnt

A christmas story

He is the predelictated master of every tale thereof

An endless field in swaying grass

Of every perfect snowflake in hoary frosted fields

Sings around a tinsel wrapped tower 

That seems to blot out the sun for its shiny immense height

He sits there on a throne

Telling tales for fascinated pilgrims from dawn to dusk

A library of every christmas tale

Pest Present or Future

Galls every nook and cranny of these hallowed minty halls

The miasma of mistletoe holly and poinsettia

Waft the nostrils and symphony the senses

He sits on his Candy Cane throne and speaks

Of Christmas miracles in this 

Or any other reality

Understanding the mix of nightmare and beauty

Of sadness and joy

Of banality and miracle

His is a power to be reckoned with

As his demense belies his own

Everywhere the Christmas lights may glow

Electric Fire or Otherwise

Stay a while

Grab a cup of hot cocoa

And Listen

Monday, December 4, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - July

Hooah! This aint no nightmare rookie

This is cold hard stabulality knifing you in the eye

People who say the American Empire is dying

Didnt see our troops mounting Operation Foui Gras 

Where we infiltrated that Valley of Holiday Doors

And gave santa a much needed Guantanamo

The boys of Wall Street finally caught on

To this free toys nonsense

And we are establishing a good old fashioned Hollyberry Republic (instead of Banana)

With a corporate constitution

Good little boys and girls can get toys

By getting a Prime Subscription 

Like everyone else

Meanwhile the coal isnt being wasted on naughty girls and boys

Redirected to Manchin's West Virginia power plants

Deck the halls with the US flag

Because The North Pole is now

A non voting observer at the United Nations

Sunday, December 3, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Carol [nsfw]

She loved a man

She knew qas too good for her

And every day pined from afar

And one day could take it no more

Amd cried alne by herself at a diner

A nice man who called himself Magnar

Listen to her problems

And then said such nice calm things

And she relaxed

And she focused

And she was a good girl

And smiled

And giggled

And went for a little nap

And Mistletoe came out to play

She was a girl who knew her worth

And hot hot she was 

And how sexy she was

And she had a week to prove her point

So she went shopping

And went into work that day

And every eye in the place

Wanted to fucked her 

Or to be her

And the man of her dreams

Finally began to pay attention

But the problem was

Now that she knew her own worth

He just wasnt that interesting any more


But she didnt want to leave Carol out on the cold

She proved to her just how good a girl she could he

When Carol woke up

She found put a few things

An entire wardrobe of clothes

Paid for by men who would do anything for her

If she told them what yo do

And tied them up 

And made them feel special

Including the boy who desperately wanted her

On a waiting list for her services

Carol was horrified at first

But her fingers slid slowly down


Her legs

She found

She lind of liked it

A lot.

Saturday, December 2, 2023

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Snowbell

People think cats are indifferent to their humans

But its a careful lie

They dont want us getting too arrogant

They dimply teach us what they perceive as divine eisdom

So when Snowbell

Got scared at the gas station

And ran out

The family was 500 miles away

Before panic set in

Snowbell was invisible in the snow

And cold

And terrified

Looking for her family

A week passed

And she was placed in a shelter

The clock was ticking

All seemed lost

When a bat came through the skylight

And talked to them

Every single one got a home

Snowbell was last

The hardest to find

And late on Christmas eve

A doorbell was rung

And as the snow fell

A grateful family embraced

 their long lost owner 

Only Snowbell heard the flapping of batwings

And reindeer hooves

Up in the sky

Up in the deep whir sky

Friday, December 1, 2023

[Poem] The First God of Christmas

by Emmit Other

The God of Christmas
Isnt Who You think
Amd every present 
That you wrap
Gives him a sippy drink
Who you ask?
Quite a simple task
Old ringed Saturn
God of Time
Takes your spirit most sublime
And sips it in like fine fine wine
So go be merry
Get to work
Insane shopping 
So he takes a schlurk
Oh so jolly
The saint that aint
Giveth presents
Like a thing that aint
Eyes aglow
Inside the fire
Milk and Cookies 
His hungry desire
Takes your offering
And leaves a present
You think you gave it
Isnt that pleasant
No burden of worship
The rest of the year
You steal his holiday
He steals right back and wont shed a tear.

[Poem] 31 Carols of Christmas - Slarg's Christmas Wish

The nicest werewolf

With a  rage of 10 you ever met

Too stupid to be mean

This Ahroun Shadowlord stereotype

Thinks it is a genetically modified dog

Who works for Jeebers Mcjosephat 

The second most powerful vampire in Oklahoma

Templated personality wise

More on the Tasmanian Devil 

Than perfect hair at Trader Vik's

He found the taste of elves

To minty fresh

4 out of 5 dentists who chew screaming elves

Recommend Dentine to clean out the gums

Merry Christmas Slarg

Merry Christmas