[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 15

 Grenademan Galahad and Lancelot are in front of a cave.  There is a Rock with Rabbit ears on it.

Lancelot

What is it?

Grenademan

I BELIEVE IT IS A ROCK.

Lancelot

Why are there rabbit ears on it?

GRENADEMAN

I AM UNSURE.

Galahad

It looks terrifying.

Lancelot

It’s a rock.  (beat) With rabbit ears on it.

Grenademan

SHOULD I BLOW IT UP?

Lancelot

Does it look evil?

Grenademan studies the rock, far longer than should be necessary.  He goes over and looks at the rock from all sides.

Grenademan

NO.  THIS ROCK DOES NOT APPEAR TO BE A MEMBER OF THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Galahad

I think it looks evil.

Lancelot

You have very poor judgement, son.

Galahad

You’re not my father.

Lancelot

Yaddah Yaddah Yaddah.

Galahad

What?

Lancelot

Let’s go inside.  (Walks past the rock into the cave)

Grenademan studies the rock, one more time and then walks past it.

Galahad stares at the rock, shudders and then walks around it with as wide a path as the cave will allow.  He enters the cave.

A pair of evil looking eyes open on the rock and evil laughter starts.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 14

 Grenademan and Lancelot and Galahad are with Bill the Enchanter looking at a map, Grenademan is talking to Bill, Galahad and Lancelot do not look happy.

There is a faint ringing sound off stage, loud enough to be heard by the audience but not loud enough to annoy them.

Lancelot (mouths but does not say)

What?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

What did you say?

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

I can’t hear you

Lancelot  (mouths but does not say)

Speak up

Galahad  (mouths but does not say)

What?

Grenademan shakes Bill’s hand and the three heroes leave off stage.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 1, Scene 13

 Galahad, Grenademan and Lancelot are all looking at a fold out map.

Grenademan

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST GO BACK AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS AGAIN.

Galahad

I know where we’re going.  I have a natural sense of direction.

Lancelot

I refuse to spend another second in the presence of Bill the Enchanter.  He’s the one that got us lost in the Disenfranchished Forest

Trees (Off stage, whispering)

Democracy should be the basis of constitutional government

If you must have an aquatic ceremony for the transfer of power it should be with choreographed swimming

A parody of a parody is not as sharp as the original.

Grenademan

I COULD CLEAR AWAY THE TREES WITH GRENADES.

Galahad

Have you ever gotten a really bad splinter before? I don’t think so.

Lancelot

My son has a point, paper cuts are nothing to jest at.

Trees

You probably don’t have enough grenades.

Why not give up and stop trying to find the grail?

This will all end in tears.

Galahad

I am a man, I don’t cry.

Trees

Real men eat Quiche.

Don’t bottle your feelings up inside unless you are opening a franchise

What does that even mean?  That made no sense

I’m trying to go for a sort of ironic sarcasm

Well it didn’t work

Can we focus here please?

Grenadman

ARE YOU SURE I CAN’T BLOW THEM UP? THEY SEEM TO BE WORKING FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL

Trees

More like the forces of sarcasm

The forces of ennui in an inherently entropic universe

I welcome death, maybe I”ll come back as an iguana

Lancelot

You know what? Have at it buddy.

Grenademan

TALLYHO!!!  (Grenademan blows up trees)

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 12

Lancelot, Galahad and Grenademan ride into a clearing.  

Bill the enchanter enters looking quite hung over.

Grenademan

THIS IS THE NEXT PHASE OF OUR QUEST.

Lancelot

How do you know?

Grenademan

The Movie told me.

Lancelot

What is a movie?  You know what, don’t answer that question.

Bill

Ow.  Must you all be so loud.  (pours a hangover cure, and drinks it)

Grenademan

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

Bill

Not surprised.  Are you here to seek the grail?

Lancelot

We are.  Do you know where to find it?

Bill

I actually do.  (takes out a fold out map and shows Lancelot) You go that way, turn left, go about 12 miles and take a left.  There will be a large cave with some runes that say ‘Grail here’ and you can't miss it.

Lancelot

Thank you, very helpful

Galahad

That’s...it?

Bill

Excuse me?

Galahad

No riddles? No special tasks? Nothing?

Bill

I’ve got a hell of a hangover.  Sorry, I'm not in the mood, I can find a riddle book if you like.

Grenademan

IS YOUR NAME TIM?

Bill

I’m Tim’s understudy.  Tim is on vacay.

Grenademan

WHERE?

Bill

Albuquerque, lovely this time of year.

Lancelot

Where? Nevermind, I don’t want to know.

Galahad

I feel cheated.

Grenademan

I HEAR ALBUQUERQUE IS LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR.

Bill

Not really.  Assuming you can even get there, what with the left turns and all, its blistering hot and full of scorpions.

Lancelot

Let us ride!

Grenademan

TALLYHO

Galahad

This is terribly anti-climatic.

Goodreads Giveaway

 Sent.  But I have a spare book, so to anyone actually reading my blog that didnt get one but wants "Have Name, Will Travel" email redanvilcreative@gmail.com w your name and address and the first two will get a copy.

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1 Scene 11

 Scene 11

Morgana

Good evening people, may I have your attention? 

(Beat)

Good.  Great changes are happening.

(beat)

Do you care about them?  Do you want change?

(beat)

I am supposed to be championing the status quo, do you know the status quo?

(beat)

Its an argument of blood and bone, fate and free will isnt it? Round and round like ants in an ant farm.  Order? Chaos? What does it matter if you get looped again and again?

(beat)

Do you imagine a savior will fall from the sky that isn't already on the board? Arthur is too lost in his own shame.  Lancelot is stained.  Gallahad is dumb as a bag of hammers.  Merlin is a pompous windbag.  I’m supposed to champion this cycle, and yes I speak openly about it.  You'll never remember anyway, so why not do so? And yes, I have seen you do it before.  It's not like the hidden plans for Morded’s attack are going to fall out of the sky and be delivered by two mechanical men to a farm boy who teams up with a smuggler and a sky wizard (who isn't a pompous windbag like Merlin) to save the non existent rebellion and make the world or the galaxy a better place?  No idea what I’m talking about?  Of course not, you’re medieval peasants.  But your kids are gonna love it.

(Beat)

Well.  The real medieval peasants kids loved it.  You guys are just fictional echoes aren’t you?  I guess that makes me a fictional echo but I’m more real because I know where I came from.  You’re just extras in the background, and not even featured ones at that.

(Grenademan and Lancelot enter)

Lancelot

It’s the witch!

Grenademan

WHICH WITCH?

Lancelot

Does that nonsense never end with you? Its like you are obliged to do it.  Is some fairy hidden in the bushes paying you money every time you spout gibberish?

Morgana

Lancelot.  Grenademan.

Lancelot

We want nothing to do with you witch.  Begin or we will strike.

Grenademan

I DO NOT BELONG TO A LABOUR UNION.

Morgana

You are a bag of particularly sharp doorknobs aren’t you?

Lancelot

She’s evil!  

Morgana

I’m not going anywhere.  Do you think you can hurt me?

Grenademan

TO FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL!  (throws grenade)

Morgana

(casts a spell to move it aside)

I don’t have time for this.

(Lights Dim)

Morgana Leaves

(Lights Go Up)

Lancelot

I hate it when she does that.

Grenademan

THAT WAS PRETTY COOL FOR THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Sir Galahad (Offstage)

CHAAAAAAAAAAARGE!

Lancelot

Oh fuck.

Grenademan

WHY IS THAT KNIGHT ATTEMPTING TO CHARGE THE CAR?

Lancelot

Congrations Grenademan, you’ve found your grail finder.  This is Sir Galahad, the pure.

Sir Galahad

(Comes on stage and takes out his sword and begins to hack at the car.  Steam should come out and if possible harmless but physical pieces should come out into the audience to simulate the sheer wantonly ignorant destruction and rage as he beats a dead horseess carriage) Have at thee! Die foul dragon! Beast from hell! I shall slay thee! Smite thee in the name of our Lord God the chaste and pure Jesus of Nazath die foul thing of satan I shall smite at thee and thou shalt die

Grenademan

IT WAS NEVER ALIVE.

Sir Galahad

Neverborn dragon! Technological abomination! I smite thee! (Continues to whack at the car)

Grenademan

I CAN FIX IT.

Sir Galahad

None shall save this wicked beast.

Sir Lancelot

Galahad, Grenademan.  Grenademan, my son (Lancelot air quotes) Galahad.

Sir Galahad

(stops whacking at the car and points a finger at Lancelot)

Noooooooo! You’re not my father.

Sir Lancelot

Join me, and together we can find the holy grail.

Sir Galahad

Never! I’ll never join your side.

Sir Lancelot 

(To Grenademan) 

Finds the holy grail you say?

Grenademan

THAT’S THE SCRIPT.

Sir Lancelot

I think we’ll need to flip that.

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court Act 1, Scene 10

 Scene 10

Lancelot walks on a weary road.

Lancelot

I seek the grail like any other knight, but am sure I shall not find it.  I am all but banished from court.  The accusation hung in the air like lead.  But how can one who is anything but pure in heart...what in the devil is that?

(Grenademan drives up in a car)

Grenademan

TALLYHO GOOD SIR KNIGHT, HAVE YOU SEEN SIR GALAHAD?

Lancelot

Ah, and yet my other shame is named of me, the illegitimate son I begot with Elaine of Corbenic.  This May Day is anything but festive.

Grenademan

MAYDAY? ARE YOU IN TROUBLE GOOD SIR KNIGHT? I AM GRENADEMAN.

Lancelot

Yes, Sir Grenademan, my heart bleeds for I seek the Grail.  I have not seen my son since we all split ways to search for the grail.  I hear he is north in Cumberland.  Why seek ye him?

Grenademan

JUST GRENADEMAN.  I AM NOT A KNIGHT.  SIR GALAHAD IS THE ONE WHO WILL FIND THE GRAIL.  BY DRIVING WITH HIM IN THIS (he pats the car) WE SHALL SPEED THE SEARCH.

Lancelot

Ah, my apologies.  You carry impressive weaponry for a peasant.  

Merchant enters stage

Merchant

Fruit for sale, fruit!  Who wouldn’t want wonderful fruit on a fine Mayday like this one.  The sun is shining, the wind at my back, what could be better than some nice cool water melon.

Lancelot

I will take a melon good Merchant.

Grenademan

I AM NOT A PEASANT.  I AM A SUPERHERO.  I FIGHT FOR THE FORCES OF GOOD AGAINST THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Merchant

You’re a Schlemiel.  (Gives Lancelot a melon)

Lancelot

Wait, you said that Galahad WILL find the Grail.   How do you know he will?  Did an angel of the Lord tell you?

Grenademan

THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING TOLD ME.

Lancelot

Who is the Once and Future King?

Grenademan

KING ARTHUR.

Lancelot

So King Arthur told you? How did HE know?

Grenademan

THE BOOK TOLD ME.

Lancelot

What book?

Grenademan

THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING.

Lancelot

(beat) So you call this thing you’re riding a car you say.

Grenademan

YES.

Lancelot

Great.  Lets go.

Grenademan

TALLYHO!

Lancelot

Bloody peasant.

Merchant

Schemiel. 

Grenademan and Lancelot drive off.