Swamp Castle - Darwin's Cellphone

I wrote this story back in 2006, and read it and then offering a writing critique; the Spirit of the 20th Century convinces a waiter to steal a priceless fake artifact to accelerate the demise of a corrupt society.

Check out this episode!

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 5

 Scene 5

Grenademan and Morgana are talking.  Grenademan is drawing plans and equations (this can be done on a chalkboard or unseen by the audience on paper, but if seen by the audience it should be pseudoscientific with actual mathematical symbols and things that look like pure nonsense to an educated mind given that this is superhero science)

Morgana

I must say, I’m impressed.  Chaos has rigged the system to bring a random visitor each cycle, and you aren’t the first to do gunpowder, guns or a septic system but you are…prolific.

Grenademan

THE FORCES OF GOOD MUST NEVER REST.

Morgana

Good and Evil are the lesser sisters of Order and Chaos.

Grenademan

NOTHING CAN BEAT THE FORCES OF GOOD.

Morgana

Just because you have a magic helmet that lets your insanity deny or sometimes impose that insanity on the rest of us doesn’t mean that it works that way for the rest of us.

Grenademan

ITS SIMPLE LOGIC.  GOOD ALWAYS WINS. THEREFORE GOOD MUST BE INDESTRUCTIBLE.

Morgana

And good people besides yourself are indestructible in your experience?

Grenademan

TEMPORARY SETBACKS.

Morgana

(beat) You know, I’m to blame here.  You’re literally insane.  So, I’m gonna go over here and read a book or something.

(Lights Dim)

A trashy romance novel appears in Morgana’s Hands.

(Lights Go Up)

Some time passes and Grenademan continues writing.  Grenademan looks up.

Grenademan

ARE THEY REALLY TRAPPED IN A LOOP?

Morgana

Oh most definitely.

Grenademan

IS THERE A WAY TO BREAK IT?

Morgana

Oh finally.  I was hoping you’d ask.  The rules let me tell you if you ask, but only just. (under her breath) Took you long enough Einstein.  

Grenademan

WHAT?

Morgana

Nothing. Yes, there is a way to break the loop.  You need to destroy an obelisk that marks this Camelot as their playground.  Oberon set it down with the rules so they don’t have to work out new rules from scratch every time.  If you can change the writing there, or remove the Obelisk, then they will move on to other games and let time move freely here.

Grenademan

GOT IT.  DESTROY THE OBELISK OF EVIL.  DO YOU HAVE A MAP?

Morgana

I’m a Sorceress.  We can teleport places.

Grenademan

THEN CAN WE TELEPORT THERE NOW?

Morgana

So glad you asked.  (Snaps fingers)

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 4

 Arthur, Percival, Lancelot, Grenademan and the Queen all sit around a round table

Percival

Tell me more about this ‘Galliger Gun’ you think will help us Sir Grenademan?

Grenademan

GATLING GUN, AND I BELIEVE WITH TWENTY SKILLED SMITHS, YOUR HELP AND THREE ASSISTANTS WE CAN CREATE THEM AND DEPLOY THEM TO VARIOUS KEY OUTPOSTS THROUGHOUT THE REALM

King Arthur

And you think this will stop Mordred?

Grenademan

I DO.  AS LONG AS WE KEEP MAKING AMMO AND TRAIN PEOPLE ON HOW TO USE THEM, HIS ADVANTAGE OF SURPRISE AND MOBILITY WILL BE ENTIRELY NULLIFIED.

Lancelot

If I hadn’t seen the wonders of your breakable potion bottles, I would never have believed it Sir Grenademan, but I think this just might work.

Percival

How long will it take to make?  

Grenademan

IF I HAVE ALL THE PEOPLE AND MATERIAL I ASK FOR, TWO WEEKS.

Morgana (V.O)

What a wonderful if not doomed idea.

(Lights dim)

Morgana Enters

(Lights Go up)

Grenademan

NEAT.

Arthur, Guinivere and Lancelot

WITCH!

Morgana

I’m glad to see all of you too.  I come with a message from Order.

King Arthur

Who?

Morgana

It’s so amusing that you are manipulated day in and day out and have no idea who is truly in charge.

Lancelot

What do you mean witch?

Morgana

I mean that your entire kingdom, your entire lives, are an ongoing match between two greater beings of Fairie, Order and Chaos, in a loop that has happened hundreds of times and that will happen hundreds of times going forward.  You are a game, and Chaos has cheated, so Order is taking his due penalty on Chaos’s part.

King Arthur

What nonsense is this? Speak plainly.

Moragana

I did speak plainly, your lack of comprehension is not my problem and certainly not Order’s problem.  Here is what you need to know, however, in your limited sphere of comprehension.  Order offers you a boon against Chaos’s interference.  Henceforth, he shall prevent Chaos from doing disruptive things to your efforts to defend yourselves, such as the random transformation into barnyard animals.

King Arthur

That was you?

Morgana

No, that was Chaos.  And his champion, Merlin.

King Arthur

Merlin?  Merlin has betrayed us?

Morgana

My good king, Merlin hasn’t worked for you or Camelot in general for hundreds of cycles, from your perspective he hasnt in thousnads of years.  He works for Order or Chaos.

Grenademan

THIS SOUNDS LIKE SLAVERY TO THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Morgana

(beat) Well, when you put it that way, I imagine it is.  Greater beings toying with lesser is a form of enslavement I suppose, in much the way a 12 year old child might cause problems for an ant farm they shake up every few days.

Grenademan

THEN WE SHALL FIGHT THE FORCES OF EVIL.

Percival

What of the Gatling Guns you were going to give us?

Grenademan

THIS IS THE GREATER EVIL.  HOWEVER, I WILL DICTATE THE PLANS SO YOU CAN CONSTRUCT THEM IN A FEW DAYS.

King Arthur

Surely you cannot mean to seek alliance with this witch?

Grenademan

ONLY UNTIL THE GREATER EVIL IS SMITED.

Morgana

Oh my, this is truly amusing.  Sure, by all means, let’s take on the greater fae power we have no possible chance of defeating.

Grenademan

LET US GET STARTED WITH THE TECHNOLOGICAL INSTRUCTION SIR PERCIVAL.

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 3

 Scene 3

Herald One

And so our good knights traveled throughout the land, undoing Merlin’s foul deeds.

Herald Two

Merlin tried to turn Grenadman into a Dog and the spell bounced off of a mirror and right back at him, but it didn't last long.

Herald One

Long enough to expose his ugly old face.

Herald Two

Arthur was incensed when he found out and banished Merlin.  

Herald One

Speaking of Arthur, the grail was used to cure him of his ills.

Herald Two

As soon as he took a draught, he was cured.

Herald One

The Land is the King, the King is the Land.

Herald Two

Crops bloomed, the sun shown and suddenly prosperity spread throughout the land.

Herald One 

Sir Pelinor and Sir Grenademan (knighted by King Arthur) created wondrous inventions that spread convenience throughout the land.  The King started a university.  Lancelot was favored again in court.  Galahad was no longer the pure, since even his abrasive personality and lack of personal hygiene was not enough to dissuade those grateful for those who had saved the king and caused them to no longer be barnyard animals.

Herald Two

And they all lived happily ever after.

Herald One

Seriously?

Herald Two

Well, that’s what they thought until yesterday.

Herald One

There is, literally, in no world in the multiverse, ‘happily ever after’, even the afterlife has dull days.

Herald Two

How would you know?

Herald One

Seriously? (beat) Anyway, trouble loomed along the horizon.

Herald Two

Arthur had a son

Herald One

A son who had been grown faster than natural

Herald Two

Behold Mordred, the bastard

Herald One

And now he challenged the kingdom, his raiders slowly going deeper and deeper into the kingdom, pillaging and burning as they went

Herald Two

And so a council of the knights was called, to decide how best to solve the problem

Herald One

And at the command of Order, they had a most unexpected visitor…

The Stone Cutters

 by Emmit Other

There is a remarkable video

That makes fun of the masons

On the Simpsons

That Homer Joins

Called the Stonecutters

I am no mystical master

Or at least not foolish enough

To hang a sign on my door

Saying please come waste my time

But I am in tune enough

To the unseen world

To know that any organization

Desperate enough to randomly reach out

On social media 

Promising unearned wealth and mystical power

Is this side of Pleasure Island

So even if there is a shred of mystic or Earthly power there

You are food not friend

To seemingly friendly Bruno

And the rest of his band 

All of whom are rich Nigerian Princes

Ask them

They will tell you

They have friends on the other side

See The Princess and the Frog

From Disney

For how that turned out

Check out Emmit Other's poem!

https://poetizer.com/poem/3421967

[Play] A Handgrenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2, Scene 2

 Scene 2

Lancelot and Grendeman come on stage to Camelot.

Lancelot

BEHOLD good people, we have retrieved the grail!

Grenademan

THE FORCES OF GOOD HAVE TRIUMPHED.

Lancelot

Where is Galahad?

Grenademan

I DON’T KNOW.  HE WAS STANDING WHERE THAT LARGE RABBIT IS STANDING NOW.

Lancelot

Don’t even talk to me about Rabbits.  I’ll never look at another rabbit or rock the same way again (shudders). (beat) There are…an awful lot of barnyard animals around Camelot.  More than I remember.

Grenademan

PERHAPS WE TOOK A WRONG TURN AT THE PETTING ZOO?

Lancelot

No.  This …smells wrong. Like Sorcery.

Grenademan

(takes out a grenade) THE FORCES OF EVIL?!!

Lancelot

Maybe.  I wonder…(goes over to the Gerbil, pours a bit from the holy grail on him)

(LIght dim)

Galahad appears.

(Lights go on)

Galahad

PRAISE THE LORD AND HIS GRAIL! That was horrible.

Lancelot

What happened?

Galahad

I don’t know.  One minute I was walking beside you.  And the next moment I was a gerbil.

GRENADEMAN

DEPLOY THE GRAIL! (begins pouring on a lot of stuffed animals)

[Play] A Hand Grenade Loose in King Arthur's Court - Act 2 Scene 1

Merlin is worrying in his study.  Chaos enters.

Merlin

What are we going to do?

Chaos

Greetings Champion.

Merlin (stands)

Oh.  Chaos!  How wonderous that you have graced us with your presence.

Chaos

Is it the royal we now?

Merlin

No, I meant, um, collectively, Camelot benefits from your presence each time you visit it.

Chaos

Does it?

Merlin

Oh definitely.

Chaos

How exactly?

Merlin

Uh, well, more freedom of course, and more fun unexpected encounters.

Chaos

It is true, I am awesome and I am the source of spontaneity and luck and the unexpected.  And freedom, for whatever that really means.  And what have you done to help that along lately, Merlin?

Merlin

Um, come again?

Chaos

You’re my champion, right?

Merlin

Yes.  Yes, of course.

Chaos

So report.  How is my cause?

Merlin

I’ve…(beat) I’ve been monitoring a grave situation regarding Grenademan.

Chaos

Oh?

Merlin

Yes, he has an artifact, the Helm of Mambrino, from a previous champion of yours in a different game.

Chaos

That sounds like more chaos, not less.

Merlin

Yes, but it might be considered cheating.

Chaos

I see.  And that’s it?

Merlin

Well…

Chaos

That’s the best you can do?

Merlin

I (beat) can certainly do more, that has been my plan all along.

Chaos

Excellent.  Do tell me about your plan.

Merlin

I had been keeping it secret since Order’s spies are everywhere.  But I assure you, much chaos will be spread.

Chaos

Fantastic.  And what chaos will that be?

Merlin

Funny you should ask, I have a whole raft of chaotic things to do.

Chaos

Wonderful.  Such as?

Merlin

(Beat) I will turn half the knights of Camelot into Barnyard animals.

Chaos

Bingo.