Suburbia is what many consider normal
Leave it to Beaver Andy Griffith Audry from Little Shop of Horrors
Civilization Six has the Chutzpah to call
The Neighborhood an Advancement of Civilization
Rather than a Blight and Carbon Killer
But for good or ill
Its most peoples definition
of
Normal.
Every year Emerald Oaks had a conflict of kitschy
A rumble of the remedial
Where everyone tried to cover ever square foot of their yard
With inflatable Christmas vomit
Keeping up with the Joneses
At night it was undeniably pretty in the electric wonderland
By day it was the Vomitorium of Used Car Dealerships
Cars drove up in huge numbers to see the homes
Carbon slowly killing those fucking elves
Who didnt give me that toy I wanted last year
Die elves die
Anyway...
Until now Old Man Withers had kept to his house
Lights off shades drawn
Not so much Grinch as Misanthrope
But two things changed in 2023
One, Bob Cratcheti, had an easement on his property by an inch
Two he had to stop taking his meds for his heart
So Mr Withers had a tendency to....
Take things to extremes
The night before the final day of contest judgement
While everyone else was asleep
He drove a wrecking ball
And destroyed his house
And used his years as a contractor
With some help from some friends
Reading the fine print of the rules in the HOA
The only way to have more Kitsch per square foot
Was to add more to the yard
So his five million dollar home
Was replaced by a Tiny Home
And the rest was the International Clearance Yard of Crap
He had to redo the electrical junction six times
Planes informed the local airport of the navigation hazard
Santa had to put on sunglasses and nearly crashed
(that fucker....)
Mr Withers Won
And then had his house foreclosed by the HOA
For fine after fine after fine
But he was just fine with that
Because he smashed that damn trophy
Carried from year to year
And sent pieces baked into meatloaf
For all his former neighboors
And sailed into the sunset
Until he got eaten by sharks nine years later
The sharks found him gamey and bitter
Very very bitter.
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